Quirky vs Diagnosis

 This article has been making the rounds on instagram (the only social media I really hang out on anymore, and even then mostly browsing.) 

And...I have thoughts. (To the surprise of nobody.)

I agree. To a degree.

I grew up quirky. As did my sister. And my parents were also quirky. Too smart. Too outspoken. Too dedicated to our vision of right and wrong. Black and white. Our opinions, once formed, are set in stone and rarely to be changed.

And if you were to say all of that today in any elementary school, you would very rapidly get a referral to be diagnosed with high functioning/level one autism (aka Asperger's Syndrome.)

And cool. That may be so. (Read: probably is so.)

Which is why for the majority of elder boy's life, I simply smiled and said, blood or no, he was just like his parents and grand parents.

Until.

Because kids today have a lot more to deal with in terms of the ability to bully one another than they did when I was growing up. And oh, boy, did I get "bullied." 

Except we didn't call it that then. We just had people who were little a-holes who you learned to steer clear of and ignore. And, when necessary, involve teachers/parents/administrators. All of whom - in a what would be a shocking turn of events today - actually DID something about the behavior.

In today's world, would a psychologist tell me I have trauma from it? I can say yes with alacrity, because that is, in fact, what happened. And then she wanted me to delve deep into my inner psyche to figure out where I felt the pain of that in my body. And...I don't? It was a long time ago. I don't still feel hurt by it. Am I somewhat mistrustful of new people? Yeah. Can I spot fake nice from a hundred miles away? Also yeah. Do I have any tolerance for fake bs? No.

But do I feel like I need to do anything to "fix" or "heal" any of that? Also no.

And still. The treatment from other kids was so bad that elder boy was having a very hard bouncing back. And because no one would deal with the issue of the other kids - wanting instead to call him too sensitive and unable to take a joke (which to be fair, they would try initially when I was young, but they really doubled down on it with elder boy. Because no one wants to take accountability for the fact that they're failing as parents, I guess.) And so it began to eat away at his mental health. And he teetered over the edge into darkness and...we needed help.

And help came in the form of a diagnosis.

Because now, he's able to say, "Oh. They're that way because they don't understand how my brain works. And they can't handle the differences. And so it's not who I am as a person that they can't deal with. It's that they don't understand how to deal with a person who's different like me."

Maybe it's splitting hairs. Maybe we could have pushed harder for him to absorb the lessons that got me through upper elementary, middle, and high school. Except that I didn't want that for him. Because for all I got through it and for all I'm pretty okay with who I am today - I used to be extroverted. I used to love making new friends and being around people. I was class president. I was in theater on stage rather than behind the scenes. And that all changed. I quit trying to lead. I moved into stage crew, then even farther back into set design. Anything to avoid the attention of people who would then seek to chip away at my sense of self-worth and value.

And I found my people in a smaller, quirkier tribe.

But I (we, hubs is on board here) wanted more than that for our kids. Or at least, for them to have an option.

And having a "diagnosis" that explains the quirky, gives other people a way to know how to relate to them. And it cuts down on some of the outright cruelty. And, in the situations where it doesn't, it gives me the ability to say to the parents/authority figure, "Are you really going to allow this level of bullying of someone with a disability?"

And that shuts it down pretty fast.

Do I wish it was different? 100%

But since parents have abdicated their responsibility to raise their kids to be good people who aren't aholes to people who are different, then the people who are different need any defense they can get.

Do I love all the 30-somethings getting diagnoses now? Not really. In my opinion, if you made it through school and found coping mechanisms to get you to success, then you don't need a diagnosis. But also? It doesn't hurt me, or my kids, for you to have one. (Unless you're on a medication that you don't actually need and are contributing to the scarcity and making it so my child who literally can't ready without his adderall can't get his script filled. Then I would love to smack you upside the head.)

But this is the way of the world. And sometimes you just have to roll with it. We make new discoveries in a field, and then we can understand the past a little better than we did before. Getting annoyed with it serves no one. But I guess maybe it helps you write an article with the hopes of going viral.

So there's that.

Wild and Wonderful

This past weekend, hubs and I headed over to West Virginia for a little mini-weekend away, and it was glorious.

For Father's Day, I got him some scratch off adventure cards from an ad I saw on Instagram. We're always looking for fun things to do with the kids that might make them dislike family time a little. But after several weeks of whining when we suggested it, we decided we'd just go ourselves.

So I pawed through the WV cards to find some that were all relatively close to one another and not a huge drive for us (because I love a road trip and he does not) and Saturday morning we headed off bright and early.

Our first stop was a flower farm. Not something I would ever have thought to do, honestly. But it was really cute and fun (and cheap!) and for maybe $20, we spent a solid hour (possibly a little longer) walking among the flowers and snipping off a lovely bouquet that is still flourishing on my kitchen counter.

From there, we went on to Morgantown, where our other cards had sent us.

Since hubs is a big fan of spontaneous, the culling of the cards nearby and booking a hotel were all the planning I did. This bit us in the rear a little as three of the items revealed, upon scratching off, that we needed to book 24 hours out. So I'll be letting the company know they need to indicate that somewhere on the card. But the other activities (the botanical garden and glow in the dark mini golf themed around WV cryptids) were really quite a lot of fun. 

We hiked every path the garden offered (and hike is an exaggeration, it was lovely walking. They were not paved paths - many were forest paths but the larger "main" one was gravel.) I think we spent close to three hours - thankfully it was a lovely day for it. And they have a little cafe that provided a very tasty lunch for again not a huge outlay. Always a plus.

And who doesn't love mini golf? (Indoor mini golf!)

We had dinner at a local Italian restaurant - quite delicious - with memories of Ireland popping in as, since we had no reservation, they asked if we thought we could be finished in an hour and a half as the table was booked then. We assured them we could. Although in the end, we were only out about 5 minutes prior to the deadline, but that was more service related than anything. (It wasn't bad service, just slow. And I think purposefully slow. As the restaurant was very much a sit and linger type place not a here's your food and your check all at once.)

In the morning, we'd planned to hit up a local farm that let you pet llamas (hubby's favorite and another of our cards), but when we pulled up their address, the website had changed from showing operating hours to "everything is by appointment only." So in the end, we just meandered home, with a stop at the Apple House in Linden for some apply goodness.

It was lovely to get away sans kids. First time, I believe, since eldest was born. So perhaps a bit long in the making. But now that he's definitely old enough to hold the fort and youngest is old enough to not really need much supervising beyond making sure that food is consumed, we'll definitely be doing it again.

Once a month random?

Feels like that's what this has devolved to. There are reasons and excuses, obviously. Some are time related. Others are "no one could possibly be interested" related. And then you should throw in some lethargy as well for good measure.

So, in no particular order, a recap:

• The hole outside has morphed into poured concrete walls for the basement of Dad's new add on. We're stalled there for some bureaucratic red tape, because of course we are, but the builder is hopeful that it'll get cleared up tomorrow and we'll be back in business.
• School kicks back off for both tomorrow. Eldest is in his senior(!) year and still doing the Liberty University online thing and loving it. He's really finishing up his AA in Biblical Studies not "high school" but terminology is hard when you homeschool Regardless, he's excited, already accepted to Liberty for next year, and winnowing down what he's looking at for the future.
• I'm so stinking proud of him I could die.
• Youngest is starting 8th. Still, thankfully, middle school because I'm not ready for them both to grow up! Although he's definitely doing that as well. I have maybe 1/8 of an inch on him still and fully expect that to go away the next time he sleeps past eleven am. We're sticking to more traditional homeschool with him for now. I'd love for him to do LUOA next year, but we'll have to see what we see. He definitely struggles more with academic things than his brother and will probably head in the direction of a trade. If you asked him today, he'd say he wants to be an auto mechanic. I'm 100% behind that choice if that's what he's into. He's very handy and good at hands on, so whatever he decides I'm sure he's going to do well. He has time to figure it out.
• Eldest puppy had several teeth removed as part of his dental cleaning and seems much happier overall. I'm trying to be better about brushing both of their teeth to avoid such problems going forward.
• I'm crocheting a blanket for a friend's daughter who is currently fighting a recurrence of lymphoma. I tried out the corner-to-corner method for fun and really enjoy it. I foresee it being my go-to for any future blanket projects.
• Youngest now has 3 weeks of ABA under his belt. I'm not sure what we're seeing in terms of results yet other than a lot of time in the car, but it's early days yet. I remain cautiously almost optimistic. Which is really as close to optimistic as I tend to get.

I won't promise to try harder to be back in less than a month, but I won't guarantee it won't happen, either.

Digging a Hole

Last week, we finally got our building permit! (Maybe it was the week before? The days blend together. Recently. Let's go with recently.)

Wednesday, the builder dropped off the most adorable backhoe on a trailer. And we thought for sure digging would begin post haste. But nothing Wednesday. Nothing Thursday.

But today! Today they are digging!

(We can pause for a moment to feel badly for the poor souls out there digging. Because Wednesday and Thursday were lovely, weatherwise. Today? Today is a fresh breath of air straight out of the pit of hell. Hopefully they're staying hydrated.)

Step one was, apparently, to discern if the foundation went all the way under the garage, or if we'd have to shore that up. Yay for us, it does.

Slightly concerning to me is the fact that it does seem as though they are in the process of sawing through the basement wall (this is expected -- just not yet?) when we don't have any of the doors on site as yet. So ...are we going to have a big hole in the wall? Unsure.

What we do have is a lovely big trench that will ultimately turn into the basement of Dad's Annex.

It is very nice to finally have this extension underway!

Toothies

Sleepy Pup the elder had to go in for a dental cleaning today.

T'other day, I was brushing his teeth, as I try to do with some regularity but also fail at, and I pulled the brush out of the back of his jaw...with a tooth? I freaked out a bit, called the vet, they referred us to a different vet because apparently our new vet doesn't do dental cleanings.

So okay, fine, whatever.

I call the other place and schedule an evaluation appointment and find that it's the vet I loved from our original vet here in Virginny who I had been told retired. (I told her this and she just laughed. Because no she never retired and they're just grumpy she left. Figures. The new vets at that place are horrible, which is why I switched to the new place. But now, if you're able to follow, I'm switching to this one because this vet is amazing.)

Anyway, they poke about, agree that a cleaning is a reasonable thing but that it doesn't look too bad. And we schedule it.

They ended up having to pull five of his teethies.

He is, understandably, a little salty this afternoon.

But his breath is lovely again, so there's that. And I will redouble my efforts to be a better tooth brusher. And maybe, as a fabulous side effect, it'll convince younger boy that brushing is important. (Because getting him to brush is a horrifically bad experience every time. Twice a day.)

Randomness

I keep logging in, thinking I should post something and then...don't. No good reason for it. But whatevs. Let's feed the beast, shall we?

• Last week, I spent six hours at the emergency vet with Sleep Pup the 2nd, fairly certain he'd been bitten by a snake. Many dollars later, we left with meds and probable diagnosis of a hornet sting and, apparently an allergy to same. He's all better now - no more swollen, no more pain. But good grief.
• Because the dogs, I guess, vie for superiority, elder Sleepy Pup gets his teeth cleaned this week. Because I was brushing them t'other day and a piece of a tooth came off. Which did not seem ideal. So yeah. Yay.
• Speaking of the pupps, SP2nd came trotting in for bedtime last night with a hunk of bird -- crow? -- wing dangling out both sides of his mouth. According to the hubs, my shriek had him convinced that snake zombies were attacking.
• Dogs can be gross, is really all I'm getting at.
• Eldest boy took the ACT on Saturday. He's convinced he did horribly, but he always says that, so I shall be optimistic until we get the actual scores. The beautiful thing about his chosen school is that they superscore (and why was this not a thing when I roamed with dinosaurs, I ask? Also, they can use a calculator??) So we have a good strategy in hand for maxing out his final score. It's really all about financial aid (he's already been accepted) but that still feels rather important.
• Youngest boy likes to go to the bird cage and whistle at the birds. Hubby was trying yesterday morning and his whistle had broken. I said to him, "Youngest is the whistler. And I am whistler's mother." And hubby did not get my reference and it was then I remembered I'm a nerd full of facts that I think are common knowledge but that are actually obscure, I guess?
• Hubby's dad eloped (I've gone through the whole thing about this, haven't I?) in the middle of June. We have still not met the woman in question, though we were down that way and asked them to come to dinner, but they declined because "her family might be scheduling something and we wouldn't want to miss it." Even though her family is local and we are not. But yeah. We realize our priority is lower than Kelvin. Anyway, yesterday, father-in-law asked hubby to help him set up a zoom with his siblings so they could meet the new wife that way. I asked hubs, are we going to do the same? He just shrugged. Because apparently it is more important that the siblings meet her than, you know, his actual child.
• It makes me furious. 
• Hubby, however, does not seem to care. So I am letting it go. Because I'm really only angry on his behalf. I don't care about meeting the woman. Or seeing father-in-law ever again, honestly. After nearly 30 years married, I have finally reconciled myself to the fact that he hates me and it's never going to change. So yay?

That about sums it all up. And now you see why I haven't bothered to post. 

Happy Fourth!

 

For all her issues - yesterday, today, and into tomorrow, I'm still awfully glad to be a citizen of the United States of America.

We have freedoms like no other.

We have rights like no other.

We have responsibilities like no other.

My we who live here, remember whence we came and protect the legacy that was started by our Founders.