3/15/2024

Sitting in the Shade

So if you're keeping up, you'll recall that at the end of last school year, I stepped down from heading up Awana at our church owing to many factors, but the primary ones being the treatment of youngest by the children's pastor and then subsequent treatment of me after having objected to said treatment of youngest. It had become a considerably hostile environment, and while it was hard to walk away after ten years (and I enjoyed the bulk of those ten years), it was necessary.


And now, it seems as though the new director takes great joy in tossing some shade into her emails whenever she can. (I only get these emails because eldest really wanted to continue doing Awana and I wasn't going to tell him he couldn't. Even though I really REALLY wanted to. Because I knew this would happen, but I'd hoped I could pretend ignorance to it.)

Today's example was a gloating email about how for "the first time ever!" they were sending a team (of three kids and two adults, but I digress) to the regional competitions.

Y'all.

I tried for ten years with varying degrees of fervor to get us to take teams to these things. The first, say, five years, of my tenure as director were very fervent. I focused on the challenge games, and only the challenge games, during game time. I tried to rally up a quiz team. You know what I never got?

Leader involvement.

And I just didn't have the ability to be the only one dragging people to these activities. (If only because it's not a one-person job.) 

After the first big push, I transitioned to a more laid-back, "Hey. This is happening. It'd be so cool if we could participate! Let me know if you want to help!" 

Crickets.

But oh yes, this is the first year they're sending a team.

(And okay, sure, it is. But not for freaking want of trying. It's also the first year any leaders have been willing to get off their duffs and help so that a team was possible. Let's phrase it that way, shall we?)

The second little bit of shade is "Our Grand Prix is returning this year!"

Like yes. Okay that's a true statement. You know how found the new people to head up the GP? Me. I did that. I had it on the calendar for this year BEFORE I decided to step out. 

And the reason we hadn't had one the past two years (when we'd faithfully had one every year prior?) because it had turned into another "The Beth Show." And I could not continue to carry every single responsibility for the club. I begged for help. 

People even said, "What can I do to help?" But when I told them what I needed, it was too much. I guess they wanted to look good by offering and were hoping I'd say, "Oh I've got it." 

But whatever. I am not in charge any longer. And I am glad that for whatever reason people seem to like this new director better. (This is not a surprise. People generally hate me. Sometimes it takes longer for them to figure out, but it's basically inevitable. I realize I'm the problem. I don't know really how to fix it. I mean I do. But when you start making those kinds of plans, other people decide you need an involuntary medical hold.)

I really, really wish I could convince my family that we needed to find a new church.

3/13/2024

Spring Projects

The glorious weather this week has been stirring up my spring project brain a little. And also my "I really really want to go on a a vacation" brain. And maybe get chickens?


Mostly kidding about the chickens.

But kind of not.

Except the work involved feels overwhelming with I look at it from afar, so probably no chickens.

Instead, I'm considering plants. Which is hilarious because plants and I don't tend to do well together. I can never figure out what they want from me. Water? Too much? Too little? Sunshine? Same questions. Weeding? I mean sure, but also I really hate dirt under my fingernails and gardening gloves don't actually seem to keep that from happening with me.

So yeah. Not a gardener.

But I kind of want to be?

Youngest had such a jolly time with his tomatoes in his raised bed last year, that hubby bought two more raised beds to set up and the two of them are plotting (ha) what to plant. And when. Youngest is firm on corn. I...can we do that? Just grow a few corn stalks in a raised bed? I mean, I don't know why we couldn't, but I haven't seen it done.

Maybe there's a reason?

I feel like we ought to do lettuce of some sort. 

No one will eat the bell peppers or cukes that are so often found in gardens, so there's zero point there. (I would eat them, but not at the quantity that things seem to produce. We struggled to keep up with the tomatoes last year.)

I'm also starting to see the emergence of the hornets or yellow jackets that were a freaking plague last year. We have GOT to find their home and destroy it. Youngest took the better part of fall getting over his fear of being stung (fair enough as he got hit by 7 of the suckers at once) and I just need him to be willing to go outside. Blergh.

Finally, I chose the color I want to paint the powder room and am close on the dining room as well. I can at least do above the chair rail and maybe leave the below (as it's fine - just not amazing) if I can't figure out what I want there. I do love painting and while it's not an outdoor project, it's still relaxing and worth the efforts.

As for vacation? I went through the whole rigamarole of figuring out what would be fun and work and then there was kid drama and ultimately looked at hubby and said, "Why did I want to take this circus on the road again?"

So yeah. Maybe not.

And hey, if we're never leaving town again, maybe chickens aren't such a terrible idea.

3/05/2024

Stretch, then fold.

I'm playing with my sourdough again.


Last week, though I was pleased that Pedro lived through the "baked by a teenager" incident, the bread itself did not go well. I'm fairly sure I over-proofed it, and so in the end we were able to eat one of the loaves with copious butter, but by the time it came to cut into the second, the knife said, "Nope."

I suspect we could have saved it to throw at intruders, with deadly intent. But alas, I tossed it in the bin.

(Hubby says, "Why not feed it to the birds?" And my honest answer? I couldn't take it if they decided they didn't want it either. And that seemed like a reasonable proposition.)

So today, I've mixed it up completely with a totally new recipe and approach. So far, one stretch and fold in, the dough feeeelllls good, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

The annoying thing is that you don't actually get to know until the next day with sourdough. Le sigh.

Anyway, I'll keep plugging along with the 100% whole wheat until I either master it or run out of the 25 pounds of organic, stone-milled flour that I bought. If I can master it, fantastic, I'll probably buy the milling attachment for my KitchenAid and give that a go. If not? I'll probably just go back to King Arthur.


2/29/2024

Now We're Doing the Cha-Cha*

Grief is fascinating to me.


I had a hard time with grief for Mom in the late fall - probably, if I want to sit and stare at my navel for a bit, I can deduce it was because things with my sister were getting harder. And in the throes of it, I thought, "Ohmygosh this is awful. Why isn't it any easier?!"

And now, with new grief, I realize that oh, no no, that was easier.

That resurgence of grief was nothing compared to the fresh, open wound of new grief.

It's a step forward, then another back. Maybe another back after that. Then a creep forward.

And you get the idea.

Today, I was doing well (after being an absolute basketcase yesterday) and managed to clean two bathrooms and was heading up to embark on a third, when the attorney called.

For whatever reason, my sister didn't have a beneficiary on her money market account. The one that holds the money for the debt she owes Dad. So we have no choice but to probate the will so we can get said money.

Anyway, there I was, whistling a happy tune (or as much as one does when scrubbing a toilet) and the next minute? Ready to just give up on it all.

I made the calls I needed to make to the bank (fun fact: the estate services people actually answer the phone and are very nice and you don't have any robotic operators to fuss with. I guess it's nice that they realize how well that would not go over) to get exact(ish) amounts so the lawyer can put it on the request for a probate appointment - or whatever it's called that he's doing so we can get that legal ball rolling. Called him back, reviewed the document he sent over, pointed out that he left off my first name in one place.

And now, I'm exhausted and overwhelmed thinking of the things I had been excited to do just moments ago, that now feel like monumental tasks.

*spot the quote

(It's okay. It's obscure. It's from Real Genius.)

2/27/2024

Because Why Not?

So, round about the time my sister was finishing up her stay in the hospital and transitioning home, the magnesium supplement I've been taking for a while now reformulated.


I didn't think anything about it. People reformulate all the time and it's just kind of like, "Okay?" Mostly a justification to charge more, honestly.

Regardless, I dismissed it and continued to take said supplement.

A few days later, I developed a rash on my neck.

I thought shingles because stress and awfulness.

But people who've had shingles said I wasn't in enough pain for it to be shingles. And I won't diminish their experiences, but my little bout with chicken pox as a child was minor and unremarkable (I had six whole pox and they didn't really itch.) so maybe I just do shingles weird?

But said rash didn't clear up and didn't clear up and yesterday I finally had the chance to go to the urgent care.

And they believe firmly it's an allergy.

So I spent most of yesterday wracking my brain to figure out what might have changed. Last night, as I was getting ready to take my after dinner pills (because I'm old now and have pills for different times of day), I spied the magnesium bottle and thought, "Hm."

One quick google later and did you know you can be allergic to some of the different kinds of magnesium and it causes a rash?

Apparently this time, the reformulation was actually a change.

So yeah. I won't be taking that anymore. And I'm going to go magnesium free for a month or so just to give my body time to recuperate before I poke around for another supplement. And even then, I'm going to make sure it's as close to the original I'd taken for years with no issues before diving in.

2/24/2024

Pedro Lives!

I know you were all waiting on tenterhooks (and wow, didn't that just send me down a strange etymological worm hole. Highly recommend googling if you're unaware.) to know if my sourdough starter was going to survive its misadventure by teen.


Well, as I said previously, I fed the bottom little bit and crossed my fingers. 

And it seemed to quite happily grow and bubble.

Huzzah!

I've been giving it a good feed every 24 hours to make sure we're truly good, but I believe I'll be ready and able to bake again when next I have the time and inclination.

I will also be putting some sort of sign over the oven controls when using the oven for a warm resting place to hopefully avoid another mishap.

Pedro lives!

(Yes, my starter is named Pedro. Because he makes pan.)

2/22/2024

Teenagers...

Today, I was feeling a little motivated in the morning (a big win of late), so I dragged my sourdough starter out of the fridge and gave it a feed, thinking I'd give 100% whole wheat another go. (The last experiment, which was the 2nd, turned out almost great, so I'm pleased and thinking I'm on the right path with it.)

Since I seem to attract drafts no matter where I life, I stuck the starter in the oven with the light on so it had a still and warm place to grow.

Everyone knows the light isn't on unless I'm doing this.

Or so I thought.

I came downstairs from my few minutes with eldest's therapist after his session to find the oven pre-heating.

And my starter cooked.

After a near-hysterical meltdown (because my sister gave me that starter) and some time to collect myself, I judged that the very bottom of it might be salvageable.

So I stuck that in a bowl and fed it and we'll see.

I washed the usual jar (baked on starter is surprisingly hard to get off without a good bit of soaking) and tonight I'll transfer over some of the afternoon fed starter to the jar, give it another feed, and see again in the morning if we still have life or if it's just time to start over.

The teenager has been quiet and reserved since this afternoon. I think hubby may have called to explain that his initial response of, "I'm sorry but it's not a big deal." was not the way to go.