Have a Very Blessed Christmas

 Tis the season....

Tis the reason.

The Story of My Life

The other day I was pondering everything that's going on in my life right now, and it occurred to me that this is very much the same lesson God keeps trying to teach me. Again and again and again. Amusingly enough, it ties into the name of the ol blog here as well.

I was raised with the notion that "if it was to be, it was up to me" drilled into my head. Successful people made a plan, implemented the plan, stuck to the plan. There was always a plan. There was never time for dithering.

Those plans were definitely to be made and implemented prayerfully, but one didn't sit around praying about what the plan should be. Instead, one used their God-given intellect to determine a course and then started walking, all the while praying that God would direct steps and make turns as needed.

I don't know that that's necessarily wrong, any more than I think it's wrong to sit and, as my mother would have phrased it, waste ones life praying about what to do next. But I suspect "right" lies closer to the middle. 

Regardless, I've always been someone with a plan. I would go to college, meet my husband, start a family, be a mom. If I worked, I would teach.

Some of that worked out. I went to college and met my husband. And while we waited a little before trying the family thing, I taught. And mostly I hated it. 

That's not completely true - I love teaching. I don't love students and their parents. Really that makes the teaching part a lot harder and less of an ideal career choice.

If you're a long-time reader here, you know how the whole "start a family" thing went. (If not, you can find it in the archives. The short summary is twelve years, lots of doctors, lots of failed adoptions, two that succeeded.)

During that time, I wrestled with and ultimately came to find peace and rest in the sovereignty of God. 

But I am finding I still clung to that upbringing of have a plan, work the plan.

Because the struggles youngest has? Totally threw me. They were not in my plan.

But they were in God's.

New struggles with eldest? Again, not in my plan.

Totally in God's. (And this, for real, because it's been fascinating to see God working in eldest over the last year as we've wrestled with his OCD and it has taken his future plans on a sharp turn in another direction, but one that fits him, as it were, like a glove.)

One of the "long term" plans I have held onto with white knuckles was the idea that, once the boys were launched and hubby could cut back if not retire, that we would travel. The trip around the world that I was planning for after graduating with my PhD, that got tossed out when we were chosen by eldest's bio mom (wouldn't trade it!) would come back into play. Not in one fell swoop, but in many little trips here, there, and everywhere.

We hit a hiccup when we moved to this house. Our other house took forever to sell. To span the gap, we had to decimate a retirement fund. Blah blah blah. I sighed and frantically tried to readjust. Travel wasn't off the table, it was just pushed back a little. Retirement wouldn't come early, like we'd been hoping. But it would still come.

Then it was, "let's travel with the boys!" And we might still - but I have a little mini panic attack when I think of trying to manage both of their individual needs away from home and familiar things. Maybe that's all me. They might be just fine. But it's going to take a lot to get me to book flights knowing the what ifs.

And now, when the reality seems to be that we'll be taking on, at a minimum, guardianship, if not outright adoption the niece or nephew due in the spring. I am realizing that travel and retirement and just the future in general is not going to look like my plan.

Not at all.

And it's funny, because this time, it hasn't really set me back. I have peace with it. (Not to say I love it - because it's not going to be a jig in the park - but peace.) Which is good, because it seems as though it's hubby's turn to struggle.

Every time we discuss the baby, he begins to panic. We are stretched thin with the boys (true). He doesn't have enough time as it is (true, but also welcome to life, I don't think we ever have the time we wish we did.) What if. What if. What if.

I've been reading about Elisha recently, and the widow with one meal of flour and oil left. And I can look back at our lives and see that very thing in action. Are we stretched thin? Yes. But that simply means we have to rely on God. We can't plan beyond getting through today. Possibly this week.

I am learning to be okay with a vague notion of what might be.

So I said to the hubs, "We have the oil and the flour to get through today. It's enough. If this is where God wants us to be, then He's going to sustain us. If it's not, then He'll make that clear."

And I am holding on to that as my plan.

Quiet Quitting and the Church

We've been attending the same church for the last fifteen years. We moved there after some theological and preference (music style) issues pushed us over the edge. By and large, we love where we are now. The preaching is sound. The people are good to be around. The kids are, generally, accepted and are being taught correctly and appropriately.

We've settled in to various leadership roles as well. I head up Awana. Hubby does all the IT for the church. He helps with Trail Life. I pitch in with other children's ministry things. And here and there we've led and/or hosted a small group either in our home or during the Sunday school hour.

Point being, we're involved. We believe that is the correct thing. Church isn't meant to be a spectator sport.

But some sketchy stuff has gone down over the last two years with how personality conflicts and difference of opinion are handled and it all boiled over this last week when a friend of ours (and our current small group leader) was brought before the ministry council, stripped of his leadership, and placed under church discipline. 

Now, I'm all for this process when it's because of unrepentant sin (because that is the purpose of church discipline, to help bring believers back to a walk that is consistent with scripture.) But in this case? He does not have unrepentant sin that he can identify and, when he asked them to clarify so he could address the problem in his life, they refused to comment.

This is not okay.

In fact, in our conversations with him, all we can come up with is that he has a difference of opinion with the pastors and with another leader. And while there have been some heated exchanges trying to come to a compromise or understanding with both, he has apologized and tried to make things right from his end. The same is not the case on the other end.

And so it leaves me and the hubby trying to decide what to do.

Eldest loves the church. He has friends in youth group. He's active and involved. Leaving doesn't feel like the right solution, because neither of us want to rip that away from him.

On the flip side, youngest (owing to his ADHD issues) has already been kicked out of Sunday school. Maybe next year, when he hits youth group, that will reset and he'll be able to handle it. But again, maybe not.

And when I tried to talk to the children's pastor about youngest being kicked out of SS, I was met with stony silence and have, since then, been subjected to the silent treatment. She speaks to me only about Awana. And only then if absolutely necessary. Where she used to hang out in the resource room with me every week during club, she now disappears as soon as she's done the bare minimum and hides elsewhere so we don't have to have a conversation. 

The message is very much, from all of this, don't disagree with the pastoral staff and also? Don't try to have a conversation about how to fix things if you do.

It's absolutely not what the Bible says to do.

But we're at a loss. How do you continue to serve in a church where you know it's simply a matter of time before you get put under church discipline for having the temerity to disagree with a pastor? How do you serve when you see it acted out, harshly, that it's "My way or the highway" from their perspective?

And so we're pondering essentially quiet quitting. Hubby plans to step back from TL leadership and IT. And I'm praying about stepping down as the head of Awana. We would then, of necessity, rescind our membership (because membership requires you to serve). And we would simply attend.

I don't love it. But short of leaving entirely, I'm unsure what else to do.

Mostly, I'm heartbroken that the church, and Christians in general, seem to do a bang up job of making ourselves look ridiculous to nonbelievers. If they'll know we're Christians for our love for one another, it seems like we should know better than to wonder why no one recognizes who we serve.

Back in the Pew (but not with Pepe)

This past Sunday, now that our church has some version of Sunday school for both kiddos running on Sunday morning, we decided it was long past time and went back to in-person service.

It was glorious.

I didn't really realize how much I missed it (because I honestly do love hanging out on the couch with the fam, drinking coffee, and watching church on the TV. But it's not the same. It will never be the same. It is a make-do, stop-gap and everyone knows it.)

They've had in person services for a while -- honestly since probably last April? Or May? They didn't stay online only for long. They started outside. Then they moved inside.

But it was all in family groups and there were not Sunday school classes for the kids, and y'all. My youngest is an amazing kid, but trying to get him to not be disruptive is a full time job in something like Sunday morning church.

The people around us would have been miserable. We would have been miserable. He would've been miserable. 

It just wasn't worth it.

He did AMAZING in his Sunday school class though (because it's much smaller now -- and it helps that he had a teacher who has ADHD boys of her own, so she understands him instead of just seeing him as a pain in the rear.)

Anyway, we're looking forward to being back to "normal" there from this point on.

Of course, normal is a relative term, because apparently we live in a world where cancelling cartoon characters is a thing? Like, did anyone think Pepe LePew was someone to emulate? For real? I always rolled my eyes at his sketchy idiocy. And he usually got several good wallops to the head. I just...didn't formulate my standards of behavior and morals from a TV show? I had parents.

And maybe that's the problem -- so many kids today don't have parents who are doing that work.

Still, if we're cancelling cartoons let's go ahead an throw Family Guy on the pile, shall we? Like every single character in that show is disgusting. Probably need to add teh Simpsons, although I find them amusing, but let's be real, Homer's a misogynistic jerk and Apu is a racist caricature. Animanaics? Hellllo Nurse! Got to go. 

I do wonder if we're reaching a tipping point where we need to just not speak to people lest we give or receive offense. And I don't think Puck's suggestion of it all being a dream is going to fly with the culture at large.

My eyes hurt from rolling them so hard.

Merry Christmas!

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas.

I hope you spend a moment or two pondering the immense love that sends God to earth for the express purpose of restoring relationship between Him and mankind.

Tomorrow we celebrate the birth of our Savior who came because "God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

A relationship with Jesus isn't about church or being a good person. It's about accepting His death on the cross as payment for your sins and putting your trust in Him as savior.

Jesus came on Christmas so that he could die and be resurrected on Easter so that you and I could live.

Merry Christmas, indeed.

Thoughts On Sexual Harassment, MeToo, and Definitions

So, yesterday, Publisher's Weekly posted this article describing sexual harassment within the Christian publishing industry. As you can probably imagine, with the world of Christian authors, it has set heads spinning and is just about all many of the industry-focused groups can talk about.

A lot of what I'm seeing is shock and horror that this could take place within a Christian setting. And while, yes, it's sad and heartbreaking, because Christians should behave better than those who don't believe, I think it's imperative that people remember that Christians are still broken, fallen human beings, full of sin. The only difference is a commitment to trying to walk as Jesus would have us walk and, when we fail, repenting and seeking the Lord's help to do better. This is the heart of the Gospel, that everyone needs Jesus to forgive their sins -- and it's not a one and done situation. (Would that it were so.) So while yes, it's heartbreaking that this has happened, the fact that it happened in a Christian setting shouldn't be as big a surprise as it seems to be (reference the problems within the Catholic church and/or at Willowcreek for two recent examples of fallen humans who love Jesus doing very very badly by their fellow humans.)

But the whole thing has spun my mind round again to something that plagues me as the mother of boys: what exactly constitutes sexual harassment?

When I look at some of the stories of women who feel they have been harassed, I see them talking about how they were made to feel uncomfortable. And I stop and ask myself, "Really? Is all it takes to ruin someone's livelihood the fact that you were uncomfortable?" Because I'm uncomfortable a lot. Women seem determined to discuss their monthly cycles with me. This makes me more uncomfortable than I can possibly explain. Are they sexually harassing me? Of course not. (I also have a couple of pairs of jeans that make me uncomfortable. Sadly, I can't sue them for sexual harassment either.)

Being made uncomfortable isn't enough, in my opinion, to start throwing around allegations. To me, if you're a woman and you're uncomfortable, you should a) say, "Hey, you know what, this seems inappropriate and I am uncomfortable. Can we change the subject?" and, if that fails, b) go elsewhere.

I can see how, if you do a and nothing changes -- or if in fact the behavior intensifies -- and you're not in a situation where b is possible then okay, yes, lines have been crossed. But again I wonder, is it really sexual harassment?

Then there's the matter of inappropriate. Is inappropriate automatically sexual harassment? I've been guilty of being inappropriate. I've hung around with coworkers (generally male, seeing as they were also software engineers and that is, largely, a male-dominated environment) where talk has turned bawdy. I have made an off-color joke or two. And I have been in situations where jokes crossed the line into uncomfortable and inappropriate and I have, in those situations, made a way to remove myself from it. I don't feel that I've ever experienced sexual harassment. (Discrimination? Yes. But that's a noodle for another day.)

And so I circle back to why I worry about raising boys in the MeToo culture that we currently have. Right now, it feels as if a well-intentioned comment along the lines of, "Wow, you look great today." Can, should the woman on the other end of said comment decide, be turned into a sexual harassment witch hunt. Or trying to squeeze past someone in a crowded room (because honestly, if you want inappropriate and unwanted sexual touching, ride the Metro at rush hour sometime.) But there's no intent there. And that's what I feel like we're not wrapping our heads around. Sexual harassment has to have some level of intent on the part of the perpetrator. But at the same time, "Oh, I didn't mean it." is also not a valid excuse.

I don't really have any solutions. It's a serious problem and needs serious attention. It needs to stop. At the same time, we need to stop looking for it behind every bush and in every shadowed doorway. We need to find a way to determine the true cases from the women (and men) who see it as a way to punish or get revenge on someone. Because that happens, too. But right now, in today's climate, there doesn't seem to be a way to say, "Hey, I take your allegation seriously, but I need to look at both sides and find the truth." without being called a victim shamer. Yes, absolutely, the pendulum used to swing too far on the side of protecting the perpetrator, but swinging too hard to the other side where allegations aren't verified before someone's life is ruined is not the correct response.

It's murky. And hard. And I'm doing everything I can to raise my boys to avoid situations where it'll even be a question. But I worry. And I pray. Because this world? It needs Jesus. Even the people inside the church.

A Lot of the Time, I Don't Get It

So on my Christian writer's loop today (and the whole topic for the week - yay) it's all about "the word God gave you for the new year."

What is that?

Everyone is chiming in with how God has given them the word "Hope" or "Blessed" or "Courage" or whatever and I'm thinking to myself, "God doesn't give me words." I mean honestly, and really, I can count on exactly zero fingers the times I've heard a booming voice from heaven saying clearly, "Beth, the word I want you to have this year is Schlock."

And ok, yeah, I'll admit schlock isn't likely to be the word that fit into that sentence, but really...I have to ask if these people are seriously getting this word from God or if they're using a random inspiring word generator somewhere and deciding God must've directed it. And if they're really getting these words...what's wrong with me?

It's not that I think the spiritual experience of everyone needs to be the same, but when a whole huge group of people are all somehow getting words -- what memo did I miss?

On the flip side, maybe it's just that God understands that I wouldn't know what to do with some kind of touchy-feeley inspirational word magically imprinting itself on my brain like a word punched into a golden ticket for the Polar Express. I mean really.

Do I have plans and goals for the year? Absolutely. Have I (and do I continually) pray about them and seek God's leading to be sure I'm doing what He wants? Absolutely again. But I'm not getting the same fit-for-pillow-embroidery feedback everyone else seems to be getting. On the one hand, I feel a little left out - I mean really, who doesn't want an inspired word for the year?

On the other hand? Well, if my word didn't end up being schlock, it might end up being something like "Smart-aleck."

On Keeping Ones Mouth Shut

This morning, a friend posted a link to a very nice article about worship in contemporary churches these days and how it's lost a lot of the teaching of theology since it moved to chorus based feel-good music that you hear on the radio and away from the hymns of the ages. I mentioned something that I'd been pondering blogging about for a few weeks anyway - that in addition to missing the theology (not to mention instruction in reading music that no one gets now that all we have are words on the screen instead of hymnals with notes and music) we're missing the act of corporate worship as the voices of the congregation are drowned out by the "worship pastor" and his band who are all miked and amped so that you can't hear yourself sing, yet alone the person next to you.

At the church we went to prior to our current church home of six years, the new "worship pastor" turned the music time into nothing short of a coffee house where he was the main act and we were the worshipping supplicants there to hear him rhapsodize.

Our current church isn't that bad, but it's getting close. For the period of Advent, rather than having a Christmas program, the "worship pastor" said he was bringing the music of Advent and Christmas into the service each week. I, along with many others, were excited to get the chance to sing some of the beloved hymns of this season. So it was hugely disappointing when we realized the first week (and every week following) that what he meant was instead of our usual music time wherein the band and he are the only things you can hear if you're hoping and trying to sing along, now we aren't even really welcome to try to sing, because he has his program and the performances that we would otherwise have watched during the cantata are now being produced each Sunday morning. Even the responsive reading, which in a usual setting is fairly evenly split between the worship leader and the congregation, is slide after slide of him reading with us getting one, maybe two lines at the end. His reasoning? The congregation doesn't read with enough drama to understand what's being said. So why bother trying to make it responsive in the first place?

I'm not alone in my annoyance. The majority of people at our church make it a point to arrive 10-15 minutes late to service - at the welcome and greeting time - so that we can avoid the farcical "corporate worship." But the "worship pastor" doesn't have an issue with this or see it as any reason to change what he's doing. After all, he's got the degree, we're just the sheep in the pews.

And that's basically the response I got from my friend's friend - that my experiences were wrong. Because this person has 20 years experience and is a singer/songwriter and he would know and I wouldn't. And I thought to myself, and that, that right there, is EXACTLY the attitude our "worship pastor" has.

As an aside, you may have noticed the term "worship pastor" in quotes. I shudder when I see that. Why not just be the music pastor? The whole service is the worship service. We worship through prayer. We worship through the sermon. We worship through the offering. If anyone is the pastor in charge of making the time there worshipful, it's the Senior Pastor, not the music minister. It seems an incredible conceit to name yourself the "worship pastor" when you're only concern is making sure that your band gets an appropriate amount of play time in each service.

So There We Were

It's been a week. I think the disappointment is starting to wane, but I tell you, I have to fight despair over the future I see for my boys.

Part of this is, admittedly, my own fault - because I intend, with every fiber of my being, to raise children who live their lives according to the tenets of the Bible - despite the popularity (or lack thereof) of such a way of life. I want them to know the joy of a hard day's labor and find fulfillment therein, not decide that a handout is what they are owed. I want them to stand up for what's right, despite the cost - and I fear that as the days slip by, what's right is going to be defined more and more as things that run contrary to Scripture, which means by standing up for the more eternal right (which is what I hope they will do), they will be setting themselves up to be considered counter cultural. The way things are looking, I don't hold a lot of hope that being a counter cultural Christian will be anything other than illegal.

I see a hard road ahead for the Christians of this country who want to hold firm to their beliefs and be able to speak up when laws are passed that run contrary to them. Though really, we've no one to blame but ourselves. We've allowed political correctness and a climate of "all you need is love" to pervade - even within the Church. And while certainly Jesus preached love, He also made it very clear that it's not acceptance of whatever makes you happy that has eternal weight.

I hope and pray I'm wrong. On the other hand, I also hope and pray that the church can once again become relevant enough that it's worthy of persecution. Because right now, most people don't seem to understand that it's under attack.

Wonky Blogger Stats and Other Random

For whatever reason, it seems Blogger has totally killed my stats. Which means whereas I used to show that a small handful of people have come to my blog over time the past million years since I've been doing this (ok, not million, but I started this thing in 2004, when I was annoyed by Kerry's campaign speech, then it sat for a bit and picked up for real in April of 2005. Thats...a long time. Wow. And now I hardly ever say things about how annoying Obama's speeches are. Mostly because I've pretty much given up thinking that the people in this country have any clue what's good for them and are just going to vote for someone because they can't be bothered to engage their brain and think. Honestly, sometimes I really do despair for what my children are going to inherit. Especially if things don't change in November.) /minor political rant.

As I was saying, the stats used to have happy little mountains showing that yes, hey, there have been people here. And now? Now there's a flat line. My blog has flatlined. Except I know that's not completely true because I've had some conversations and emails from folks who still check in here and there (plus, really, why would all of the past 7 years have flatlined? Did Blogger invent a time machine and go back to erase everyone who ever came here?) Blogger...just one more reminder that you get what you pay for. Ahem.

I'm trying to be better about blogging again. I'll admit that between busy-ness and the funk that has been following me around, blogging has taken a back seat. But then I realized that, hello, outlet? So yeah. I'm trying. Outlets are good.

The reading list needs another update - it's on my list (speaking of busyness), but I'm sad to say I don't think I'll hit 120 like I did last year. On the other hand, I wrote two books this past year (well, one was partially finished but needed serious rewriting, the other started from scratch) and started another two, so I'll call it a reasonable trade. As it is, right now I'm reworking my way through the Harry Potter books and enjoying them immensely, yet again. The movies were good, I'll admit, but the books really are so much better. (When is this not the case?)

I'm starting up a through the Bible in 120 days in November with the Facebook group that did it at the end of last year. I'm pleased to have 30 extra days (we did 90 days last time and it was a tad rough in points) but (referencing busy-ness again) I'm a tad worried about keeping up. Plus, we're doing a chronological reading plan and I can't say that's ever really held much appeal. But hey, why not?

We're doing Beth Moore's Daniel study in our small group at church right now. I've never done a Beth Moore study and am finding I'm enjoying it quite a bit. Not sure (other than that she says "Ladies") why it's billed as a women's study, but the guys in the class don't seem to mind.

With that, I'll leave you with this final thought: the Boyscout's Kettle Corn (pop it yourself at home) is awesome.

The Joy of Manipulation

(Yes, it's really 3:40 a.m. It's one of those nights, apparently.)

I just got an email from the AWANA Commander at our church and I'm vacillating between livid and ready to just chuck the whole thing and start over somewhere else. With the problems I've had with the children's ministry at our otherwise awesome church, it begins to be an issue. Because, hey, I have kids. I want them to go to (and love) church! Not see it as a place where they are picked on. So far, I don't think the elder boy has realized the crap that I've dealt with on his behalf, so good. But now...now we're facing him not being able to go to AWANA. And he adores AWANA.

Last year, they had a record number of Cubbies. For most churches, this would be considered an awesome thing - the program is growing! Younger kids are getting to memorize scripture! And learn about Jesus!

For our church, the issue is apparently about not having enough people to help out. So rather than making it work this year like they did last year, the email says: Puggles and Cubbies is now only open to the children of volunteers.

So preschoolers - the whole group - will only be allowed to learn about Christ if mom or dad steps up.

Now I get that finding volunteers for things is a challenge. But I don't think this is any sort of a solution. For myself, I guess I'll suck it up and volunteer so the kiddo has a chance to continue to go. Because he adores AWANA. But while I love my kids and I love being around them? Other people's kids are not my thing.

I can't think this is the kind of volunteer they really want - people who agree to help out solely to let their kid have an experience. But it's what they'll get. So I guess they'll have bodies - but I can't actually see that being a positive thing when all is said and done.

Whither Rome?

I remember when Harry Potter came out how certain groups got up in arms about the fact that young kids were reading about wizards and witches and how terrible this was and how it set them up to become wiccan, etc. And I kind of rolled my eyes and agreed with the other folk (many from the same religious background of those having panic attacks) that Tolkien, Lewis, Alexander, White, and even Lawhead* had all had wizards and sorcery in their novels and the children who grew up reading them managed to, on the whole, avoid thinking becoming a practicing wizard was a reasonable aspiration. I was sort of on the bandwagon of "Hey, it's getting kids to read", though I took that with a bit of a grain of salt and hope that maybe Harry Potter would be the gateway drug (as it were) to Narnia and Middle Earth and insert other wholesome-er fantasy realm here.

And now, it seems like people are trying to use the same argument to justify the worth of what is, essentially, pr0n without pictures. Except there are a number of differences. First, 50 Shades is targeted to the adult audience. One would like to think that a "duh" would make sense here, but when it's also labeled as fan fiction for Twilight lovers, you have to wonder how many teens are sneaking their mom's copy and/or buying it for themselves on their Kindle. And really, as much as I wouldn't want my teen daughter reading a Nora Roberts title for the little and not hugely explicit sex contained therein, I sure wouldn't want them reading what I've been told amounts to a primer for BDSM. (No, haven't read it. No, don't plan to.) When I asked my one friend who has admitted reading it why, she said, "Oh, but there's a story there too!" I thought to myself, isn't that what men say about their skin magazines? (As in "I just read it for the articles!")

This trend, coupled with the fact that movies that manage to snag PG-13 ratings these days vs. those that got it when it first came out (that today would, I guess, be simply rated G the way some G movies are) and our overwhelming acceptance of violence as entertainment, make me wonder: did we learn nothing from Rome? Honestly, some days I wonder when the Colosseum is going to be built - then I look at good men, family men, strong Christian men who are really into ultimate fighting (there are two in my extended family) and don't really see a problem with the idea of, basically, fight club (without rule number one, cause dang, all they talk about is their fight club.) And how do they justify getting involved and involving their 5 and 6 year old sons in it? It's a way to get them to exercise.

So we have pr0n that's fine, because hey, it gets people to read, and we have brutality that's awesome because, hey, it gets the kids off the couch. I ask, but honestly I'm not sure I want to know the answer: what's next?

*Tolkien and C.S. Lewis are probably no-brainers. Alexander is Lloyd Alexander with the Chronicles of Prydain, White is John White with the Archives of Anthropos (link is book 1), and Lawhead is Stephen Lawhead with his Dragon King Trilogy. All are wonderful for kids and adults alike. And none will cause embarrassment while reading in public.

Have a Blessed Easter

Luke 24:1-6

On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. 2They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, 3but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. 4While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. 5In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, "Why do you look for the living among the dead? 6He is not here; he has risen!

Isaiah 53

 ¹ Who has believed our message
       and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
 ² He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
       and like a root out of dry ground.
       He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
       nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
 ³ He was despised and rejected by men,
       a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
       Like one from whom men hide their faces
       he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
 ⁴ Surely he took up our infirmities
       and carried our sorrows,
       yet we considered him stricken by God,
       smitten by him, and afflicted.
 ⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions,
       he was crushed for our iniquities;
       the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
       and by his wounds we are healed.
 ⁶ We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
       each of us has turned to his own way;
       and the LORD has laid on him
       the iniquity of us all.
 ⁷ He was oppressed and afflicted,
       yet he did not open his mouth;
       he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
       and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
       so he did not open his mouth.
 ⁸ By oppression ^[a] and judgment he was taken away.
       And who can speak of his descendants?
       For he was cut off from the land of the living;
       for the transgression of my people he was stricken. ^[b]
 9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
       and with the rich in his death,
       though he had done no violence,
       nor was any deceit in his mouth.
 ¹⁰ Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
       and though the LORD makes ^[c] his life a guilt offering,
       he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
       and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.
 ¹¹ After the suffering of his soul,
       he will see the light of life ^[d] and be satisfied ^[e] ;
       by his knowledge ^[f] my righteous servant will justify many,
       and he will bear their iniquities.
 ¹² Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, ^[g]
       and he will divide the spoils with the strong, ^[h]
       because he poured out his life unto death,
       and was numbered with the transgressors.
       For he bore the sin of many,
       and made intercession for the transgressors.

Tom-A-Toe, Tom-Ah-Toe

As I've been reading and researching the steps I need to take to attempt to get my book published (Step 1: find an agent. Amusingly, this is similar to the whole: can't get a job without experience issue that many college graduates encounter. Most agents want people who are already published. Ah. The circle of life.) I've been trying to psych myself up for the inevitable rejections that are to come. Because I know that publishing is not easy - I watched my friend work tirelessly for many years before her first book was published. It's not all just writing the book (which is a big hurdle, certainly, but the hurdles just seem to get bigger from there.) The thing that has kept me from even finishing the umpteen bazillion half-books I have languishing on my hard drive is fear of failure. And probably fear of success thrown in there just to make me a complete nutcase. (Because really, what if I get it published and then everyone hates it? Isn't that worse than not getting published in the first place?) So actually pushing through the the very last sentence on the very last page of this was a huge step. Going back and re-reading and polishing it an even bigger one. Letting someone else look at it? Huge.

So now I'm faced with sending it out into the world for people who don't know me from Adam (or Eve, I guess, if we want to be gender-correct, presumably people would be able to tell me apart from Adam just by seeing my name.) It's marginally terrifying. And it's pushed me into thinking about why I care what other people think about my writing.

Lots of writing sites will tell you that you need to step up and own it - shout from the rooftops "I Am A Writer!" And I've been trying, over the past years, to do that, but it never really feels right to me. I write, certainly. But am I a writer? Is that who I am? Is it all of who I am, or just part? Because I am also a wife. And a mother. And a cook. And a bottle washer. It would seem that I am a lot of things.

Then I started looking at those labels and it occurred to me...that's not who I am, it's what I do. I do wifely things. I do motherly things. I cook. I clean. I write. But who am I? I don't think that I can (or really should) define my very being by any of those labels. The label that I most want to claim, the one that I care most about as far as defining myself? I am a child of God. If I can really absorb that, and make that the one thing that defines me, then really, does it matter anymore if someone doesn't like my writing than it does if my family doesn't care for tonight's dinner? Not really. Though I'll admit it, I don't like them not to like my cooking - I put a lot of love into that food. Just like there's a lot of love in my writing. So sure, yes, I don't want people to hate it...but it's likely that someone will. Not every recipe is a success. Not every story wins a prize.

Is the argument simply semantics? Maybe it is. I just hope that with the sure to be coming rejections I can keep focus on the fact that I'm just trying to use the talents I have. I'm a child of God. I also write.

Glad Tidings of Great Joy

From Luke 2:

8And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ[a] the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

13Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
14"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

15When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

16So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

And this was just the beginning of the purpose of the Christ.

From John 3:
¹⁶"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,^[f] that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ¹⁷For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. ¹⁸Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son.^{[g] 19}This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. ²⁰Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. ²¹But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."

While we celebrate His birth, may we not forget the purpose of His coming. Have a very Merry Christmas!

Be Good For Goodness' Sake

I have a number of friends who love this time of year because it allows them to get out their Elf on the Shelf. They then spend hours each night moving the thing around and having it do crazy things. This is, most often, also coupled with extreme importance being put on the fact that Santa is watching. (Here is where I wiggle my fingers, make a spooky face, and go "ooooooooo" in a fright inducing manner.)

The Elf on the Shelf, for those not in the know, is a book and doll set that come together. The doll is a 50's era creepy little elf doll that probably was used as the first model for Chucky. The idea (as I'm told is given in the accompanying book) is that the Elf (assign your own name here) watches you from the shelf and reports back to Santa if you're good or bad during the month of December.

And here's the crux of my problem. Though I guess it's two pronged.

1) We don't really do Santa. We talk about him in a generally joking manner, and when the kiddo asked me the other day (just before we went to sit on his lap) if Santa was real, I said no, but he's fun to pretend. I'm not going to lie to my kid and try to convince him that Santa is real. Because eventually he's going to figure it out and then what he's really going to learn is that mommy is more than willing to lie outrageously to him. So does he still get a gift from Santa? Yeah, he does. But he knows full well that mom and dad are Santa and that Santa is just a fun thing to pretend during Christmastime and that he's a fun way to help celebrate Jesus' birthday.

2) The Elf on the Shelf...I want my child(ren) to be good all year because it's the right thing to do and/or (when they're young) because I told them to. Not because they might not get gifts if they aren't. Not because a creepy doll is watching them. If they really need someone watching them as their motivation, then fine, be good because Jesus is watching. And He's watching all year long, every day and every night. Does he withhold gifts if you're bad? Not in the sense that kids understand, no, but I hope that I'm teaching my boy(s) well enough that they understand that making Jesus and mommy and daddy sad with their disobedience is not what they want to be doing.

At the end of the day, I want the kiddo to be good because he wants to be good. Because Jesus lives in his heart and helps him to be a good person. Not because he wants a Red Rider BB Gun with Compass in the Stock.

Destruction in the Name of "Saving"

This article sparked quite the little back and forth in email today amongst my friends an myself - though we all ended up on the same side of things, honestly.  It starts out

Five words could prevent the public brawls between Christians who differ in their opinions on social and theological issues.

“…but I might be wrong.”

And honestly it never gets much better. The author suggests that tacking on those five "little" words adds a spirit of humility to the discussion that helps your opponents see you as a reasonable, rational person. Pushing aside the question of why anyone you're involved in dialog with isn't, as a matter of course, seen as a reasonable, rational person by default, it begs the question: if Christians need to tack on those words, shouldn't they be viewed as beneficial to anyone? In effect, shouldn't we all just throw our convictions out the window, tack on a disclaimer, and then *magic sprinkles!* no one ever needs to disagree with anyone ever again. After all, we're all just stating our opinions, right? But no, the author has no such suggestion for anyone other than those who claim to follow Christ. And it's those followers of Christ who have so much more to lose if they cave in to this ridiculous thought process.

The best summary of my thoughts, put ever so much more elegantly than I have come up with are those of a friend's dad who chimed in:

The problem is not a person, or group of persons, holding a belief and then espousing that belief as fact.  The problem lies with the politically correct intelligentsia who have redefined the concept of tolerance in our current age.

In countries where free speech was a guaranteed right, the concept of tolerance was that you were allowed to believe what you wanted to believe and could speak to those beliefs without concern of punishment.  I was to be allowed the same privilege.  Our only obligation to one another was that we were required to respect the other person’s right to believe what they wanted to believe.

In our current politically-correct environment, tolerance has been redefined so as to require me to acknowledge that your beliefs are as valid, and are equal in that validity, to my own.  That is absurd.

The Holy Spirit speaking through the writings of Paul did say, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.”   This is not an optional suggestion, but a command we are to live by.  However, Paul also acknowledges the gospel message, centered on the cross of Christ, is “offensive”.  (For an excellent read on this concept go to http://www.biblebb.com/files/spurgeon/2594.htm )

Jesus himself said that he came “not to bring peace but a sword” and that his incarnation would set even the closest family members against one another. (Matthew 10:32-39).  

In my studies of the Scriptures so far, I have never found a command, or ever a strong suggestion, that the “saving of the church” was my responsibility or concern.  I have found some “Go ye therefore” verses and will concentrate my efforts on those.

Honestly, if what you believe is so open to interpretation that you're willing to add on to the end "but I might be wrong", then I question two things:

1. Why do you bother to believe it if it's just as likely to be wrong as right?
2. How is it possible that you are really following Jesus who came as "the way, the truth, and the life" -- not "a way, a truth, and a life".

I hope, earnestly, that the majority of the church isn't taken in by the idea that we somehow owe it to anyone to qualify our beliefs in the name of getting along. Unfortunately, I suspect that many already have been.

The Prompting of the Spirit

The kiddo has been struggling with fear for the past month He doesn't want to go down to his playroom (in the basement) by himself He doesn't like to go to bed at night or during naptime And so on and so forth He hasn't been able to say much beyond that what's scaring him (it ranges from shadow to noises to the wall and so forth), so we have just been doing a lot of praying with him and reminding him that Jesus is always with him and will keep him safe, even when mommy and daddy aren't in the room And that has seemed to help somewhat

Today while I was showering he wouldn't leave the bathroom Usually he will at least go play on my bed He said he was scared So I prayed with him and reminded him that Jesus was watching out for him and finished up my shower more quickly than my tired self would have done otherwise (because really, I wanted that extra five minutes under the pounding hot water this morning to try and clear out my sinuses Not to be, I guess Oh well)

When I got out of the shower I sat down with him to try and figure out if we could get at the root of the fear again with no real luck So I asked if he wanted me to remind him how to pray for Jesus to help him not be scared and we did Then he just looked at me and I felt a nudge to remind him about Jesus dying on the cross for our sins and what Easter means (this has been a big conversation the past few weeks). So I did and like I usually do, I asked him if he wanted to ask Jesus into his heart Usually his answer is a firm and immediate no, to which I say ok and we move on with our day But today he said yes

So I explored a little more with him to see if he really understood what I had asked him and what it meant and he seemed to have a good understanding for his age (for example, around here, Jesus died on the cross and was raised again so that God could take us out of time out - because that's something he gets The idea of death and eternal separation from God, while something we talk about, makes less sense conceptually right now) And so we knelt on the bath mat in front of my sink and prayed, and the kiddo asked Jesus to forgive him for his sin and to come live in his heart and be his Savior

I worry some that he's so young that he doesn't really get it But talking to him, he does in fact seem to and I've been analyzing my responses to him and I don't think I did anything today differently that would be coercive and thus change his answer from the usual emphatic no to a yes And I hadn't actually planned to bring salvation up, but I just felt like I should So I am thinking that the Holy Spirit has been at work in his heart. It was a glorious way to start the day

(I apologize for the lack of punctuation - I'm on my netbook, which you might recall is having issues with its period key, but I had the time to share and wanted to get this written up while I could)

On Lent

Today is the first day of Lent. I have to admit, Lent isn't something I remember observing growing up - I remember Easter week, but as we didn't grow up in a liturgical setting, the 40 days prior were much less emphasized.

As I've watched various friends use their Facebook status to indicate what they're giving up for Lent I've stopped several times to consider jumping on the bandwagon. But I think instead of giving something up and then dealing with the negatives of "oh yeah, I gave that up for Lent" without the follow on that missing whatever it is that I've given up is supposed to drive me to prayer in an attitude of appreciate for the suffering of Christ (which is what seems to be what happens most frequently), I will instead set out to spend more time each day in prayer and meditation (because I will admit that very often that time is the first to go by the wayside in the midst of my busy-ness.)

So, perhaps to phrase it in a more typical Lenten fashion I should say that I am giving up the habit of making prayer time second place - with the hope that that reminder will drive me much more often to my knees.

Jesus Is Not a Slot Machine

I have a friend, we'll call her Jane (this is safe because I do not, to my knowledge, actually  have a friend named Jane), who has of late started to really get into the idea that if she puts in, as she calls it "face time with the Big Guy Upstairs" that he's going to "honor and bless her obedience" - specifically, those blessings are going to manifest in increases in her home business. Every time she calls, she has to make some mention of how she got up early to pray or read the Bible or how she's working to make sure she prays while on the toilet, etc. etc. And on the one hand, I don't want to diminish the fact that it's GOOD to make time for devotions and prayer (though I, perhaps, could live without knowing you're doing it every time you go potty, but well, that's just me.) But Christianity is not a mathematical equation. You do not deposit five days of Bible reading and sixteen prayers and get four new clients. That's just not how it works.

I don't really know how to broach (is that the word I'm looking for? It looks weird.) the topic with her though. Especially as she has also really started being diligent about her business right now too, so she is getting new clients - but honestly, she's calling five people a day looking for them. I suspect the uptick in business has more to do with that than anything else. Which sounds like I'm saying that God doesn't provide blessings to the obedient, which isn't what I'm trying to say at all, it's just that if you base your faith completely on I did X and therefore God did Y (which is very much the mindset in the case of Jane, because she has said as much to me), then you're setting yourself up for a severe crisis of faith the first time you do X and Y does not follow. And that will, most likely, happen at some point.

What I find even more confusing (slash slightly ironic) is that she loves to tirade about the "name it and claim it" folks out there. So far I've managed to bite my tongue and not ask exactly how she's any different - because I think she'd be truly horrified/offended. But really...how is treating Jesus like a slot machine any different?

Yes. God blesses obedience. Sometimes tangibly. Sometimes immediately. And sometimes only in light of eternity.

I feel like I need to mention something the next time it comes up, but I'll tell you...I'm rather stymied as to how, exactly, to put it into words.