How to Succeed in Business

The CMM (Capability Maturity Model) is a set of standards and practices developed essentially to help software companies develop quality products through definable, repeatable processes. This is a good thing as it makes the life of just about anyone working at the organization easier – developers know what they’re doing, managers know what the end goal is, quality folks know how to test to software and everything at the end of the day is documented with a happy paper trail so that as the revolving door spins, new developers can pick up where the old developers left off. I’m a big fan of CMM and CMM-like process improvement efforts.

At my company, our CEO likes to tell anyone who’ll listen that we follow CMM-level 3 standards (Essentially this means that we have reasonably well defined and practiced processes) but haven’t bothered with the official certification process. This is bunk. The only way we actually have any kind of CMM level is if CMM stands for Crappy Management Model. Or perhaps: Couldn’t Manage Monkeys. In either of those two definitions, we’re WAY beyond level 3. We’re up around level 6 Billion.

I’m not sure how management justifies saying that we have any kind of process, let alone a level 3. My only thought is that they’ve been saying it for so long, they’ve come to believe it. I wonder if they tell themselves that they pay people what they’re worth, too? (And then just avoid annual salary surveys by major research places.)

So, how to succeed in business? Assume you know everything then stick your fingers in your ears, close your eyes, and shout “LALALALALALA” whenever anyone suggests otherwise. After all, it’s your company – if it goes under, at least you get a tax break.