In just a few short weeks (3, to be exact) I will be starting a PhD program and, as seems to happen with incredible consistency 3 weeks prior to beginning school of any sort, the anxiety dreams have started. This even happened when I was teaching - you'd think that I would have been able to get away from them at least when I was going to be the one in charge. But no, my subconscious mind just loves to run me through the gamut of anxiety dreams.
I have never really had the whole naked-at-school-and-everyone-is-laughing (or screaming) dreams. I do, at least, manage to be fully clothed. (For these small favors, we are grateful!) But inevitably I find myself running through the crowded hallways looking for things - usually my locker or my classroom. Then, should I ever actually find my locker, I can't remember my combination, which of course means I can't get my books and I end up being late to class (or just unable to find my classroom at all). And should I actually arrive in class and sit down, it's the last day of class, the day of the final exam, and I realize that I have not attended class even once nor have I even opened the book and, for that matter, am not really sure what it is exactly that I'm studying in this particular class. But the teacher, being the gracious person that she is (it's always a she, very oddly) will allow me to use the grade I get on the final for my final grade since I haven't been to class or done any homework.
It's usually right around that time that the dream just starts over. So I never even really get any kind of resolution - nor do I even get to wake up and realize it's a dream. I just loop. And loop. And loop.
What's fascinating is that the school I'm wandering around aimlessly in is usually my middle school (with minor changes, but still recognizable as my middle school) (though there a few times when it's clearly been my high school - those dreams usually end much worse though and typically morph into some sort of CSI drama with lots of gore). And the teacher? Usually it's my Calc teacher from high school. Oh how I despised her. (Her teaching method: Don't teach. Then everyone needs extra credit. Allow people to teach the class for extra credit. But they need extra credit because they don't understand the material. And now they're teaching. So now more people need extra credit...and so on and so forth. I switched classes mid-year and went from struggling to *click* ahh, Calc really isn't that bad. So yeah, it was definitely the teacher.)
Anyway, this latest batch of anxiety dreams is also incorporating other things that are looming stress points in my life (about which I haven't decided if I'm going to blog) so it's a very bizarre combination that, in the light of day, I can chuckle at a little. But I'm also a little annoyed because all of this is contriving to make me very tired during the day because I try to wake myself up to move to something less anxious in dreamland and thus I'm just not sleeping well. And last night it was to the point that, when time for bed, I just didn't want to go because I knew the dreams would be starting and I just wasn't up to dealing with it. It's a sad day when you don't want to sleep for fear of dreaming. Just call me Hamlet.
15 hours ago
Congrats on going back to school! I am always in awe of those who seek much, much higher education! Well done!
ReplyDeleteI think I remember that Calc. teacher. Didn't we teach a few lessons together? I always wondered about that.
ReplyDeleteWe managed to survive, though. :)
Michelle, we did teach a few lessons together. I always thought chocolate made calculus more fun. :) I think you stuck with her though - yay you! You're a better woman than I.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your anxiety-related dreams. Hopefully this will pass once you get started into the program. I suppose these dreams are your subconscious' way of dealing with your anxieties. I tend to dream the most vivid dreams when I'm feeling the most stressed out. Maybe you need to sit down before you go to bed and write down on a piece of paper all that is bothering you to free your mind of mental clutter and worries which could creep in your dreams throughout the night. I find blogging has helped a lot for me, but of course there are things you might not want to share with the rest of the world. That's why a personal diary could also be a good idea. Dream diaries can be helpful, too, if you want to look more into the meanings of your dreams and how they relate to your waking life.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I hope your anxieties will ease as time goes by. Good luck getting started on the Phd. program! Will it be in education?
You know, Cinthia, I used to keep a dream journal, maybe I ought to start that again. But I also think you're probably right in that it'll smooth out once school gets underway and I can consciously prove that it's not that bad. Writing stuff down before bed is a good idea too. Thanks :)
ReplyDeleteThe PhD is cross discipline - focusing on the use of computers in education, specifically things like distance ed, so it focuses on human-computer interaction, etc. Should be really cool. (At least, that's the hope!)