I have been in some significant denial for the last month or so over this, but now it seems the truth must be told: my in-laws are moving to this area.
I can not explain to you the heartburn that this causes me. Literal heartburn. And interrupted sleeping. And just a general, overwhelming sense of doom. For the last month. It's not unlike how I feel for about a month prior to any visits we've made to visit them in the past - so you'd think after ten years of marriage I'd be used to it, but I just am not.
Don't get me wrong, they're perfectly nice people, all things considered. Quirky, but nice. In fact, I think if they'd let me, I could really get to enjoy them - and I think they'd get along with my family really well if they wanted to. So it's not really anything wrong with them that's the problem. The problem lies in one slender fact: they don't like me. And, as I am probably one of the world's biggest people pleasers, this causes incredible problems for me. Because, you see, I'm used to people liking me - at least once they get to know me. (I am also used to people not liking me right off the bat, mind you - I think I'm a bit like coffee or guacamole, you have to acquire the taste, but generally people come around and realize that, at a minimum, I'm not a horrible person and quite tolerable in small doses.) My in-laws seem to be stuck in the "We're not so sure about this person who's interested in our son" phase of things though.
Sometimes I wonder if they'll ever wake up in the middle of the night and realize that it's progressed past the point where they really have any say in the matter. Did I mention the ten years thing? Fourteen if you count the pre-marriage dating time. (Though during the dating phase parents can - and boy did my in-laws ever - try to convince their child that the other person is not right for them. And that's stopped - so for these small things, I'm grateful.)
Regardless, I am now staring the prospect of an eternity of close-quarters anxiety over making a good impression on my date's parents. Except that he's my husband, not a date. Is it really any wonder my stomach is tied in knots?
Couple this with the fact that we don't have kids - or the more salient point of that is that THEY don't have grandchildren - and someone spilled the beans that the medical issue was on my end (which of course they already figured, since their precious baby boy wouldn't deprive them of grandchildren. We'll just keep that whole couple of years in the middle where Tim decided that he changed his mind and didn't want kids under wraps. K?) (When we were at Tim's cousin's wedding last summer and Tim's mother would hold the baby of one of Tim's cousins (who was 12 when we got married), she would look across the room and glare at me. I kid you not. One of Tim's aunts asked me what the deal was.) It's just going to be a barrel of monkeys.
Dead monkeys.
So...with that, I'm in need of a mantra to assist in maintaining sanity. Because my mantra for visits is clearly not going to work ("This too shall pass, I'll be home Monday.") Anyone have suggestions?
Do they let you blog from mental institutions?
1 day ago
I think the mantra needs to be "it just doesn't matter." Either that, or "they are dead to me." ;-) Resolve to accept that no matter what you do, you can't please them and you don't have to. Tim is your husband and the only one that matters in the context of your marriage. Your only duty is to Tim, not his parents. If they truly don't want to accept you as the one and only woman whom he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with, that's their loss, not yours. Whatever you do, don't give them a key to your house. ;-)
ReplyDeleteHm, very good advice, thank you ladies. :) (I like the idea of 'they're dead to me', Gwynne, but think that it might be a tad over the top, even for me.) ;)
ReplyDeleteDawn, I hadn't thought about the idea of them deriving pleasure from knowing they're upsetting me - I kinda don't see that about them (mostly I think they're clueless about how upset I am by their lack of acceptance of me) but I will ponder.
I'd maybe try to act nonchalant and avoid them. You'd be surprised at how people can live in the same area and yet not see one another. Hugs, nonetheless!
ReplyDeleteTim is likely to be as upset with them as you are, given the way they make you feel. Just forget about them and go about your business. If they want to see you more often than you're comfortable with, discuss it with Tim and decide between the two of you that you're not going to let them get to you.
ReplyDeleteSome people just don't appreciate their blessings.
I agree with Caltechgirl. They may not appreciate you but heaps of us do! :)
ReplyDeleteAvoidance, check. :) I'd been considering that one, Michelle - I just wasn't sure if it would go over. I can't seem like I'm avoiding them.
ReplyDeleteCTG - thanks. You're right and he's already said as much. I just hate to be a problem between them.
Rachel - aw, thanks. :)
Hey Beth,
ReplyDeleteI know I don't know you but if I may put in my two cents. Your husband should always be there for you. The problems you have with your in-laws(his parents) are not your problems to deal with, but they are His to deal with. Has he ever talked them about their behavior? if he has not, he should, asap. In addition, you must let him know how you feel, not grey area stuff, but be very specific.
God Bless!
Mark - Thanks for dropping by, hope you will again. :) Tim, being the world's greatest husband (yes, yes, all you women who are clamoring that YOUR husband is the greatest are, well, just wrong), actually does a fantastic job of buffering against his parents. It's just that I worry about putting him in that spot - but he's 100000% supportive (and in a lot of ways agrees with me about the quirkyness of his folks) and has, on any number of occasions, told his folks to pound sand.
ReplyDeleteSo I do have that going for me (yay!) and more than likely it'll all be ok.