70 x 7, and then some

Normally, I do everything I can at church to avoid seeing certain people. Our church is big enough that usually this isn't really all that hard, but today at church I spotted the two women who made the big fuss that ultimately resulted in me leaving MOPS and even, what, three months? later I found myself getting all worked up again.

I really thought I had forgiven them. Moved on/through/past, whatever. But the hurt is still there, and it feels just as fresh as the day I walked out. And frankly? I'm annoyed with myself that I can't seem to just get over it. There's no purpose in trying to talk with them and "resolve" the problem, because from all I can tell, the problem is simply that I exist. And really, I'm not willing to resolve that issue for them.

I guess I'm also disappointed because after a lot of prayer and counsel of someone whose thoughts I consider both wise and valuable, I talked to the pastor of outreach at our church about my treatment. (MOPS is an outreach - if I wasn't already committed to my faith and to going to church, the way they treated me would have made me turn my back so quickly, heads would have spun. As it is, it was tempting to just walk completely away from church.) She promised that she would talk to them and get back to me at least to let me know the conversation had taken place. Have I heard back? No. So really, what we see here is that, again, the problem is simply me.

I get so tired of having to work to forgive people. That's two-fold. I hate that I have so many people in my life who I still end up circling back around and having re-forgive in the first place. And really on the other side of things, why am I so unable to just forgive and let go of the hurt? Why does their past treatment continue to plague and hurt me, forcing me back to my knees crying out to God and asking Him to help me forgive them...again?

It's frustrating. And exhausting. And it makes church a chore, which is perhaps the worst thing of all.