5/22/2013

One of Those Days

I knew, within moments of waking, that today was going to be one of those days. I just didn't realize how very much "those" was going to be in it.

When I got up (to the sound of the baby screeching), I found him in soaked jammies because somewhere during the night his diaper came unhooked (this latest box of diapers has faulty velcro) and so he peed all over himself. The diaper itself was basically dry. After cleaning that up, we went downstairs to find that the older boy had "helped" by trying to fill the small, reusable salt and pepper grinders from the single use grinder set we got at Costco. He got fixated on the reusable ones yesterday (why didn't we use them still? are we ever going to? etc.) and I should have moved them to someplace out of sight/mind. But didn't. And thus had a counter and kitchen floor covered in seasoning. I swept and cleaned that up, while the baby screamed that I put him down (and also because I suspect he ate some pepper) and then they both started whining about needing something to eat.

Then I made the mistake of actually being honest when someone asked me what I was thinking in response to something they'd said. I should've kept quiet, I knew it at the time, but somehow I thought it might be good for it to be out there because it's something I always bite my tongue about because it's one of those situations where I feel the way I feel, they feel the way they feel, neither of us is wrong, neither of us is right. We just both have our own perspective. Unfortunately, the way I feel seems unjust to them and the way they feel seems unjust to me. So it's one of those things you just move around as best you can. But today, because I guess I had a giant cup of stupid mixed in my coffee, I explained how I felt. And it went over about as well as I expected. Which means now, on top of feeling how I feel, I also feel guilty because I know I hurt this person by telling them how I feel, and I'm mad at myself for opening my mouth and I pretty much feel like nothing I do is ever going to be right, so really, why bother trying?

Took the boys to lunch and play time with friends at McDs. The older boy had fun, until he started getting tired, at which point the whining and manipulation begins. He was hot, could we get something cold. Well, we were gearing up to leave and I had thought I would drive around and get an ice cream for the way home, but he whined and begged and got snotty ("I never get anything." I'll tell you, the wealth of "I never get..." that is going on around here these days is pretty rapidly going to become self-fulfilling because it drives me insane. I will not have an ungrateful child if it kills me.) so we just came home where he got some cold water. Then I made him take a nap. He asked if I'd lie there with him for a bit. And I would have. I got settled. He got settled. Then the excuses about why he wouldn't be still and shouldn't have to sleep started. So I started to leave. Then the begging and pleading began. And I know it's manipulation, I do. He wants his way and is very good at getting it. But even still, walking out while he's tucked in and sobbing that he wants me and he promises that he'll be still and on and on makes me feel so small and heartless and guilty. And I'm right back at feeling like nothing I do is right (cause I know giving in isn't right either, but it sure feels like sticking to my guns is wrong, too. Even though I know it isn't. But that just means I'm annoyed at myself for feeling the way I feel, too.)

At this point, you're probably thinking to yourself, "Lucy! They have doctors for things like this." a la While You Were Sleeping. And I'm wondering if finding one isn't such a bad idea. Except that I have no idea where in my life I would find the time. And really, I know what they'll say (or not say) - and I know how it makes me feel. So maybe what would be better is to take a page from Alexander and just move to Australia. Whether or not they have bad days there, too.

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