Snarky Desk Ladies

Between most of Friday and going on six hours today, I have been sitting in the waiting lounge of this neuropsych testing office and...I'm kind of appalled at the snarkiness of the front desk ladies. I imagine that they've forgotten that I'm sitting in here, for all that they can see me if they peer over the tops of their monitors. 

But they're doing callbacks to people who have had consultation calls to see if they're interested in moving forward with evaluations and...it's just kind of shocking the commentary they make to each other after hanging up. 

"Oh there's another one wasting our time." 

"Sure you're still thinking about it, just say no."

"If I had a dollar for every time a parent got mad about the cost, I could take a good vacation."

And so forth.

Do they not recognize that a) their assessments are stinking expensive and b) there is actually a lot of thought that a [good] parent is going to put into deciding whether or not to move forward?

Like okay, sure, in a perfect world, the parent would return a call quickly and either schedule or say no thanks, but life with kids is a lot. Life with kids who might need neuropsych evals? Even more.

Dunno. Just kind of taken aback by the complete lack of empathy in the front desk staff here.

Testing, 1, 2, 3

The psychiatrist that both boys see has been suggesting (read: pushing pretty hard) that we have more thorough neuropsych evals for both so we get a fuller picture of what we may (or may not) be dealing with.

We'd already done this once for youngest - six years ago maybe? - and she thought now that he's matured some it was worth doing again. Eldest has never had one. 

Hubs and I hemmed and hawed for quite some time about it, because, essentially, cha-ching.

It's not that we're opposed to spending money when necessary. We're just kind of on the fence about the true "necessity" of the situation. (And I feel like I've said all of this before? But maybe not?) 

Anyway, last week, we finally bubbled to the top of the list for neuropsych at Hopkins (because they take insurance, it seemed worth waiting two years) for youngest. Except it didn't end up being full neuro because "he didn't meet their requirements" for that. So yeah. Probably a waste of time? But I won't know for at least another week.

But today, we kick off a private eval for eldest. Starting with a 2 hour (!) zoom with the parents. To say I am unexcited is a definite understatement. I guess it's good. But meh. Anyway, then Friday and Monday he's at their office for long stretches of time to do the testing. And on the positive side, they can do whatever testing they want because it's not regulated by insurance.

On the other side, we get to pay for it all.

At least with this one I have slightly more optimism that they'll tell us something worth knowing. Of course, I've been wrong before, so I guess we'll just have to see.

Six Years

Mom died six years ago today.

I'm trying to decide if it's fitting that it's a dreary day around here. Mom enjoyed the rain. And the clouds. Although it's warmer that she would prefer for the weather (me, too, for that matter.)

I don't really understand how it can feel like a lifetime ago at the same time as it feels like yesterday.

And I'm struggling to decide if it's a good or bad thing to remember the day. 

I used to get so mad at my sister for all of her "bad thing X happened to me today" memorials throughout the year. "Just move on!" I thought. "Stop dwelling on it."

And while it's a little different - the loss of a Mom is definitely a bad thing, but it's not like the memorial of when a friendship imploded - I still wonder if not marking the day isn't the better choice.

I just don't know.

Not that I've done a ton of marking, mind you. It's been a full and busy day and I'm only just now getting a moment to sit and take a breath. But still, even as I ran around playing Mom Taxi, the "mom's gone" reminder has been just a little more evident in the back of my mind.

Not sure if I would be able to make that not the case if I tried, so maybe all of this is moot.

Anyway, life moves on, will you nill you. And honestly, that's probably a good thing.

On Paucity and Malaise*

Robbo pointed out that there was a dearth of posting on blogs he reads and I felt a little called out. Not unreasonably, mind you. Because there has definitely been both around these parts. And, as to the malaise, I'm so tired of me, I couldn't fathom that the rest of y'all weren't even more so.

(Ha. "The rest of y'all." As though there was a teeming horde of readers of this little pocket on the back side of the Internet.)

Regardless, Daddy and I flew out to Austin on Friday and then traveled south to San Antonio to inter my sister's cremains in the family plot. All but one of Dad's siblings joined us, and it was good to see them. I don't believe I'd seen any of them since we were in the same place to inter Mom's cremains.

My therapist (yes, because it's really that bad - which is not to say it has to be bad to go to therapy. I'm definitely pro therapy. For everyone else, ha. It took a lot to get myself there. And I can't say that I think it's doing more than eating away money, but supposedly it's a process.) asked if the service helped. I can see that it helped Dad. But me?

No idea.

I'm still generally numb and yet so overwhelmed by everything that I live life on the edge of some kind of breakdown (screaming rage? inconsolable sobbing? both together? no one knows - it's emotional tempest roulette around here.)

Like I said, even I'm sick of me.

Anyway, I did get to see my friend (I hesitate to use such fun terms as BFF, but if ever I had one, she would be it) who's hubby recently was stationed in Abilene. She and her fam were in Waco for the Baylor game and she and the kids stayed after so we could meet up without me driving 4+ hours to Abilene. (I would have, in a heartbeat, but 90 minutes from Austin to Waco was much nicer.) THAT was a delight and refreshing to my soul. It was one of those things that I wish could just go on forever.

We saw the Silos (because Waco. Can you go to Waco and not?) We toured the Dr. Pepper museum. (Super fun!) and then we spent the better part of the day talking and playing cards in the hotel lobby.

Then I came home to a filthy kitchen, over tired kids, an irritated husband, and...yeah, I wondered briefly why I returned.

Yesterday, things evened out some, but I can't say I'm enjoying the return to reality all that much.

Thus, for me at least, malaise is the defining reason for the paucity of posting round these parts. But I'll endeavor to do better.

Ish.

*HT to Robbo for the fun phrasing.

Bookish Thoughts: Thursday Murder Club edition

Over on the book of faces, I'm friends with she who was formerly known as Caltech Girl out in blogland. She shared news that the Thursday Murder Club books were in the process of being cast for movie making and gushed about not only how fabulous the casting was but also how good the books are.

Being always on the look for a good book, I snagged the first and gave it a read. I enjoyed it quite a lot, so went on to gather up the other three books (thus far) in the series. Yesterday, I finished the fourth book, and I have some thoughts. They're spoilery in nature, so I think I can add a fold thingy, but in case that fails, you've been warned. (Whelp, I tried, and while it did cut off the post here, it didn't give a link to click for more. So yeah. Here be spoilers.)

--- SPOILERY THOUGHTS ABOUND ---

The books follow a set of mid-seventy to eighty year olds who live in a senior community in the British countryside. You have Elizabeth, the former MI6 agent, Joyce - the grandmother next door, Ron - a former union organizer, and Ibrahim - a former and sometimes present psychologist. They're a great set of friends, formed by Elizabeth to, initially, discuss and maybe solve cold cases.

Of course they end up with hot cases instead.

I'm not going to go on and on about the plots - the mysteries are all quite fun and while they don't necessarily keep you guessing, they aren't supremely obvious. And really, they're more about the characters and the relationships than the actual murders.

And that begins to be some of the issue for me.

The first book, in the end, has one of Elizabeth's dear friends who is in the nursing portion of the community essentially in a vegetative state. And the woman's husband ultimately administers a fatal dose of something, sits with her while she dies, and then goes back to his apartment and offs himself.

In that book, or possibly book two, another gentleman not in the club, although Joyce is somewhat pursuing him, being a widow who misses companionship, take his own life because he's unable and unwilling to live without his late wife.

All throughout the first three books, Elizabeth is dealing with the fact that her husband is slowly slipping into the fog of dementia. This comes to a head in book four where, after denial and then conversations and a trip to a former KGB friend (it makes sense when you know Elizabeth), she and Stephen (her husband) decide that she'll dose him up and then he can die on his own terms and in control.

Now, I will never say that dying isn't hard. And horrible. I can attest from having seen it first hand now twice that it is both of them. And dementia is maybe worse than cancer, having seen that with hubby's mom. 

And yet, the subtle and not so subtle push that euthanasia is not only easy and painless but shouldn't be illegal and should be considered the height of sacrifice rather than, well, murder, is unavoidable in the pages of these books. And yet it remains subtle enough that I suspect most people won't sit back at the end and say, "Wow. What a propaganda for murder and suicide that was!" In fact, I kind of doubt that most people won't even consciously recognize that little push toward a change in thinking at all.

It's...devious. And I hate it.

Life is not ours to take. Not our own life. Not someone else's life - regardless of their age or gestation or physical state. (And yes, I am against the death penalty, too. Though I suppose I have complicated feelings on the military, as I do believe we have the right and obligation to defend ourselves. But that's a quandary for another day.)

Our broader global culture has shifted to the point of viewing life so cheaply that I just can't believe it some days. Other days, I believe it just fine, even though I also believe it pains God deeply. And so I wonder, not for the first time, if I am wrong for taking enjoyment from 98% of the books when the push to accept values so deeply different from my own is there in the other 2%. (Or, in book 4, 75%. Perhaps, had I not read book four, I wouldn't even be having this conversation.)

So, whereas I bought the first four books, going forward, I think they'll be library reads, if I read them at all. Will I watch the movie? I guess we'll see. I am very excited about the casting, but I'm also so disappointed with where the author took things time and again that now...I just don't know.

Read them, but keep your eyes open. (Then again, that's true of any media and something I think we are a people are forgetting to do on our slippery slope back into the carnal madness of ancient Rome.)

The Call of the Wild

One of the wonderful things about living on many mostly wooded acres has been the birds.

At the old house, hubby and I enjoyed hanging bird feeders on the deck and watching the usual suspects as they'd come and feed. So it was an easy enough decision to do the same here. And we get most of the same guys (and gals) out our way. Goldfinches, Titmice, Warblers, Sparrows of many varieties, Cardinals, Blue Birds, Blue Jays, Downy Woodpeckers, Red Bellied Woodpeckers, too.

Probably some others that I've forgotten, but those are -- oh, the Carolina Wren -- the frequent fliers.

But then! I was delighted to see a pair (possibly more, but I've seen two together) of Pileated Woodpeckers. They're so beautiful! And huge! I just adore when I see them out and about.

Better than at the old house though, is that here we can sit outside and listen to all the signing and calling that happens as the birds go about their day -- although it's best in the mornings and at dusk.

Since neither of us are innately versed in bird song, hubby downloaded the Merlin app, which will record the goings on around you and then parse out the various birds by their calls, with little snippets so you can listen and decide if you agree or disagree.

This has provided no end of fun, as I had no idea what the Carolina Wren sounded like when compared to a Cardinal (for example.)

One of the calls we hear frequently -- but never when we have the phone and app handy -- sounds like something you'd really be much more likely to hear in the jungle, if movie soundtracks are to be believed, at least.

Finally, the other night as we were sitting out just after dusk hoping to see bats and stars, hubby was able to capture the sound -- turns out, it's the pileated woodpecker. Honestly, it just made me love them even more.

If you'd like to hear (and see), this is a lovely capture.

And then somehow it was mid-August

 Not sure how the last weeks got away from me, but there we have it.

Eldest and hubby went off to camp and came back after having much fun. Eldest got a trip to the emergency room at camp because he didn't dodge a tree fast enough while chasing the one who captured their flag. He's fine, but his team lost and he's bitter about that.

Youngest is doing well with PT and I can already see some improvement in his pronation, so that's good.

School starts up next week. I didn't plan to start the same day as public, but there we are. It just worked out. I'm ready. Not sure either of the boys are, but oh well.

Eldest is all dual enrollment this year (and next) so only has 2 classes each quarter. Hopefully they'll still be challenging enough that he sees that college isn't as easy as HS. Regardless, I'm excited to see him transitioning into this new educational era.

Things with the addition for my dad are gearing up. We got a survey done yesterday and received the official to scale plat today (why there wasn't one is a mystery for the ages, but whatever) which means permits and so forth can begin. Contracts and payments are all being handled. It's good times.

Have I mentioned that we're probably throwing a pool into the mix since we're spending all the money anyway? I'm very excited about that prospect for summers to come. Although friends with pools have cautioned me about snakes in the pool and...yeah. Let's just pray for not.

Anyway. You're all caught up. Onward!