I got better...

In some ways, I regret it.

The big problem, you see, of coming out of a giant fog of depression is that it is then undeniably obvious just how much has been getting overlooked and let slide as you struggle to do the things that MUST be done to keep the ship from sinking.

The boys are supposed to clean their bathroom every week. The tasks are split in two and I have been taking them at their word that they are doing it as they check it off their list.

To be fair, in the back of my mind, I knew better.

At the same time? I didn't have it in me to face the inevitable argument that would come from checking on it and then the whip cracking involved in getting them to actually do it (correctly).

But today, youngest said, "My sink doesn't drain."

Ugh.

I went in to look and...honestly, I'm sort of (not sort of) surprised that they are even willing to go in that bathroom. Because just ugh.

I poked at the sink and got some drain cleaner working on the clog and then rolled up my metaphorical sleeves to scrub the other boy's side of the sink. And then I made the mistake of looking at the shower.

An hour later and half a bottle of soft scrub, it's a lot better. But I have learned several things:

1) Don't trust them when they say they have done something. Ever.

2) Dr. Squatch soap is from the devil. It's black and it dyes the tub and tiles. Oh, it'll come off with a lot of bleach and elbow grease but good gosh.

3) My children don't seem to throw away empty bottles. They just kind of ...toss them on the floor and walk around them? Like why? 

I know I have trained them better than this. But obviously it didn't stick and if mom's not riding their tail, it doesn't happen.

Yaaaay.

It's almost enough to get sucked back into the depression vortex.

The Bird is the Word

This bird is such a delight.

Who knew how much I would enjoy her? Certainly not I.

Of course, because I'm me, I'm really overthinking some aspects of having a bird. Like, "Does she need a friend or three?"

The internet is no help. Everything online says "Yes! Your birds need bird friends! Buy allll the birds!"

And I mean...okay! But also, do I really have to fall down that rabbit hole?

The people I adopted her from kept her as a solo bird for 3 years. She seems very happy. She flies around. She eats. She plays. She sings.

You know, all the bird things.

So then I wonder...if I get her a friend or three, what happens if she hates them? How do I deal with bird fights? I honestly have no clue what I would do. Separate them seems like the obvious answer but then...isn't that the same as having a single bird? Or, in that hypothetical case, multiple single birds?

I've already failed in the "Let's have another kid because siblings make life better." format. My kids spend a lot of time separated. Because, real talk, they basically hate each other. Nothing I do seems to help there. People say, "Oh, give them time. When they're grown up, they'll appreciate one another."

Meh. I don't really hold out a lot of hope. But I guess we'll see.

Point being, I've bungled it with kids, so how the heck do I make the decision with a bird?

So I guess we'll see what we see.

In the meantime, I really love this bird.

Proof of Age

Today, a box arrived in the mail that was a rather startling proof of age. It was a "Welcome to OurUniversity!" box for the eldest boy.

He still has his senior year of high school to do (although he's really finishing up his associate's degree during this upcoming year), but he has been pretty set on this school since we visited in the fall. As part of the visit, he could start his application (and they'd waive the fee - woot). So he did.

Last week (week before maybe?) I got his O-fficial grades through his junior year, so we sent off a transcript. It was the last piece he needed.

And he is in.

I had planned to force a few other visits this summer, just to round out a plan B. But I guess that's off the table at this point.

It seems odd to go into his senior year (or heck, the summer after his junior year) with college all but squared away.

I'm still making him take the ACT in July (and probably again after that), because there are scholarships for scores to consider. Plus it's just a good idea.

But for whatever reason, my little doodle boy is old enough to head off to college soon.

The tempus, it does fugit.

General Malaise, Reporting for Duty

I keep popping into the dashboard and staring at the new post button and then asking myself, do I actually have anything worth rambling about?

The short answer is no.

But when has that stopped me?

(It actually stops me quite a lot. So I guess that's a dumb question. But it didn't stop me today.)

Both boys are done with school. I'm making youngest do math through the summer because he needs to solidify his facts still. He has them, he just has a hard time accessing them. So more drill. Whee.

Eldest was able to get his transcript shipped off to Liberty (his #1 choice for college.) (Also currently his only choice. I'm working on getting him to broaden those horizons a little just in case.) So his application is in progress. He's going to take the ACT in July (and then probably again in September). They don't require it, but they do have scholarships based on your scores available, so it's worth doing. Plus it's just worth him remembering how to do standardized tests. His test taking skills are not always amazing.

Eldest has also, possibly, landed a job lifeguarding. I'm cautiously optimistic. I need him to have more to do with himself. And also to be able to stop giving him money constantly. 

Youngest...is back on the struggle bus. We're switching his meds again (I feel like I've said all this already, but who knows?) and that's always less fun than it seems like it should be. (And it doesn't seem like it should be fun at all. So yeah.) It's been a rough two weeks. Three? Who even remembers?

We might actually be making progress on getting the permits for the addition now. Hubby has resumed his optimism. I...have not.

I had a really deep funk of missing Mom and my sister. It's easing some, but it's not gone. The biggest impact with these is in my writing. I just...can't seem to make myself open the document. And I find myself wondering if it's time to hang up the keyboard. Because really, who would care? 

I don't know. I guess we'll see what happens. The boys are off on a camping trip this weekend and I ought to spend a good bit of time writing. I even sort of *want* to do that. We'll see if it actually happens.

Mother's Day Random

Happy Mother's Day to those who celebrate.

I'm not saying I don't celebrate, but I also really don't care one way or t'other. I find having low (read: realistic) expectations helps keep it a pleasant day. So I suspect tomorrow will be much the same as any other Sunday: church, lunch with the fam and my Dad thereafter, and a lazy afternoon. Really, there's not much (anything?) to complain about there.

I may try to see if the boys will consent to a board or card game or two rather than disappearing for the afternoon. It being Mother's Day and all. We shall see. I have a veerrrrry low tolerance for heavy sighs and resigned participation. It's not that I expect them to jump for joy whilst screaming "Yay!" but I would love them to at least keep their feeling that it's torturous on the inside.

That may not be realistic given they're teens.

There's a new pope. (Should that be capitalized? Probably?) Not being Catholic, I have very few feelings on the matter, although I do hope that this one stays truer to the actual Bible rather than the way the culture feels the Bible ought to be. But then, I feel that way about any leader of any church claiming to represent Christ. Some do better than others. Which seems to be as it has always been and as it's likely to always be until Christ returns and calls believers home.

The bird continues to provide more joy than is reasonable. I think she needs a friend. Hubs just laughs at me. But really. Doesn't everyone need a friend? Sleepy Pup the first is sloooowly starting to realize that he needs to stop staring at her cage as if he might get a chance to eat her someday. Sleepy pup the second couldn't possibly care less about her. He was raised on a farm with chickens and other animals, so he just kind of glance over now and then with a very canine shrug. Apparently nurture, in this case, can override nature.

Eldest has finished 11th grade. It's his first complete dual enrollment year, so he's half-way to his Associates. He's a solid B student because he puts in very little effort. When I mentioned that once his final grades are in, we can send in his transcript and he can finish his application to his top choice school, his eyes went wide and he said, "Wait. I don't send in my senior one?" 

"No." Says I.

"If I'd known that, I would have worked harder." Says he.

I had to leave the room. He did know that. I know I told him many times. His father told him many times. I believe his response was along the lines of, "I'm never going to be someone who prioritizes school over friends."

And like, that's a choice I guess. But it's now coming home to roost. I suspect he'll still get in (at least I certainly hope so), but there's a lot of face palming that I do in private. Because dude. Flip side, maybe he'll get serious about actually doing the ACT prep that I keep trying to send him.

Youngest is, essentially, finished with his school. We've done his end of year testing and are just finishing up our history book. But I'm going to have him read and do an AI math tutor over the summer. He actually enjoys the math tutor (it was developed at SpaceX) so it's more like playing to him. If it finally drills into his brain some of the things I've been trying to get him to memorize, I'm for it.

That's probably enough random for the day. I'm meant to be writing while I have an empty house (the boys are off at a Trail Life project and I'm unsure when they'll be home. But probably before I'm ready for it.) So I should get off and do something more productive than this.

For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors?*

Now that the weather is getting better, and before it gets gross (the six seconds of nice we have around here), hubs and I have been taking the pups around "the circuit" twice in the evenings.

The circuit is an ATV trail around the perimeter of our property that the previous owners made. It's a mile (almost exactly) if you do it twice, and it's shaded (so doable even in the summer if you wait til the evening) and really just a pleasant stroll for all of us. The boys ride their bikes (pedal and dirt) on it as well.

Since we don't have an ATV (I hesitantly add "yet" here as I suspect we're going to end up with one before the end of days), the path gets hidden in the fall when the trees shed their leaves. This becomes a bit of an issue as they are also slippery and they hide tree roots and rocks (which I always manage to find and then fall on my caboose.)

In the fall, I asked the boys to take the leaf blower around and clear off the path. It was met with eye rolling and grumbling and the elder boy did a half...hearted stab at it. (He only took one battery, which wasn't fully charged, so yeah, he got a tiny bit around and made marginal progress.) And I let it go because I'm trying to pick my battles with them and...well, this wasn't a battle to pick.

But now that we're back at it, not only am I tired of tripping, I am also borderline terrified the whole time we're out there.

Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

Because the varied shades of orange and yellow oak leaves that cover our forest ground are really very similar to the patches of color on copperheads, which are native to the area.

I am fully aware that there are probably some living on our property. We have 10 acres that are mostly forest. There are probably snakes out there. But...I don't dwell on it.

But with the leaves on the path? I spend the whole time staring at the ground, hypervigilant.

It is perhaps less relaxing than an evening walk ought to be.

So, today, youngest and I went out with all four batteries and the leaf blower and had ourselves a nice walk. And we cleared off the path.

And I'm sure collected some odd looks from anyone driving by if they spotted us on the part of the path that's close to the main road.

Ah well. It's now clear and I'm hopeful that maybe I won't be as fretful on the next walk.

*spot the quote

** Fun aside, youngest decided that hyperfocusing on copperheads and regaling me with all the various facts about them and other forms of snakes while we did this activity was just the thing to do. It was awesome. No. Really. Promise. *shudder*

On Being a Sermon Illustration

Last Sunday (Easter Sunday), was particularly challenging to get the boys up and moving. Most days are an exercise in anger, but for whatever reason, last week had us leaving the house about five minutes before the service was going to start.

Spoiler alert: we live more than five minutes from the church.

So we arrive about 12 minutes after the service has started and, being Easter, the parking lot is jammed. So we have to search for a spot. Finally find one, park, and herd the grumpy family toward the sanctuary.

It. Is. Packed.

I collect our little pre-packaged communion cups and we head inside. Everyone is standing cheek to jowl singing. I spot a few singleton seats, but nothing that will accommodate our family of four. Or even let us split up into two and two. And honestly, after the morning of trying to get everyone there? I was over it.

So I herded us back out and as we got back into the foyer, I was like, "It's too crowded. We'll just leave." And I spotted a couple who usually sits near us coming as we were leaving and I smiled and said, "Good luck."

Eldest said, "Can I go my class instead then?" And then younger pipes up, "Me too!" And I was like, "Hubs, you go with (because the youth were all in one big group for Easter and I knew younger would need a little extra assistance in not being overstimulated)." So they trotted off and I took my annoyed-verging-on-raging self back to the car to sit.

At least it was a lovely day to sit in the car with the windows open.

Well, today we were back to our usual population. Hubs and I were back in our usual spot with the boys at their youth classes. And during the announcements, the executive pastor is talking about how full everything was last week. And then he talks about the family that left because they couldn't find a seat and how he heard them say "Good luck" to another couple as they left.

Ahem. Oops?

Then he went on to say how wonderful it'd be if it was crowded like that every week and...no? No it wouldn't be. I mean yay for visitors. Yay for people coming to know Jesus. But honestly, I don't go to a big church for a reason. If it starts getting like that every Sunday, it will make it much easier to decide what to do about staying vs going. 

I could maybe do a big church if I had a family who could be early places. But I do not have that family.