The ethnographic study detailed below on improving workplace morale was funded by the American Society of Social Health And Toiler Synergy. Initial indications show statistically significant results.
Introduction
Research shows that camaraderie, specifically working relationships and a sense of belonging to a team is very important to employees and their overall job satisfaction. Therefore, the primary motivation of ASSHATS is to discover and report on ways to help employers foster and improve camraderie and, therefore, morale. Scrooge (1843) was one of the seminal researchers in morale improvement, though later in his studies he was found to have lost a significant portion of his mental clarity and thus his later findings are questionable. All reports previous to any mention of supernatural visitation, however, are well founded studies that can and should serve as a starting point for beginning morale-improvement researchers. Edward Teach (1713) is thought to be an even earlier researcher than Scrooge, though most of his work is undocumented and available only through hearsay. It is presumed, however, that Teach is responsible for one of the initial underlying principles of Scrooge regarding continuous flogging until desired results are achieved.
Relying on the fundamentals of Scrooge (1843), ASSHATS is conducting an on-going study of morale at a company located in the suburbs of a large city. The employees of this company have been kept unaware of the study, lest the results be compromised. The Instructional Review Board for Human Subject Study has approved the methodology of this study and waived the need for informed consent.
Methodology
The primary motivational methodology currently under review involves a cyclical process defined by the following steps:
1. After business hours, hold a mandatory all-hands meeting.
2. Immediately follwing this mandatory meeting, hold an "optional" event where the corporation will sponsor alcoholic beverages and minimal food.
3. Within the next week, two to four attendees at the previous two events should be informed that their behavior at the event was unacceptable and that there is significant question as to their willingness to be a "team player".
4. Within the next four to six weeks at least one employee's position should be redacted and the employee informed that they are no longer needed.
5. Staff reorganization should only be communicated to the rest of the company if unavoidable.
6. Allow another four to six weeks to pass with complete silence from the management, then begin the process again, starting at step 1.
The steps in the process are explained further in the following section. Each step has been researched for optimal morale improvement effectiveness with constant reference to the prior works of Scrooge (1843) and Teach (1713) as well as the lesser works of Hitler (1942) and Mussolini (1925).
Step 1: The mandatory after hours meeting.
This must be done after-hours to preserve the billing rates of all employees. It also serves an additional purpose of lessening the possibility that morale improvement will come from outside sources like family and friends, which would confuse and perhaps invalidate any study results. While this meeting can be used to hand out performance awards, serious consideration should be given prior to approval of any award system as it has been shown that significant decreases in morale of non-awarded employees can result from any form of recognition given to others. In the interest of fairness, this author recommends against taking any award actions if at all possible (Scrooge, 1843).
Step 2: The "Optional" Event
When publicizing this event, it should be made exceedingly clear that attendance is optional. However, care should be taken to ensure that the employees understand that those who are considered "team players" and anyone with any sort of future in the company will be there. This will in turn motivate all employees to attend, resulting in the maximum morale improvement. As with step 1, this event also serves the purpose of removing any contaminating morale factors, such as family or friends, which provides for a more pure study.
Additionally, the sponsorship of alcohol and minimal food enables employees to become intoxicated at a much faster rate. Fastidious employees who refuse libation on the pretense that they came alone and must drive home should be noted and marked as non-team-players, since they are, in essence, refusing the company's largesse and potentially lessening the morale improvement of those employees who have chosen to drink without considering the consequences. It should be noted that intoxicated employees are more easily influenced, thus after the second or third round, several members of the upper management should present rallying speeches. This will maximize the moral boost for the event (Hitler, 1942; Mussolini, 1925).
Step 3: Initial Chastisement
The employees needed for this step will be readily apparent during steps 1 and 2. It is simply incumbent on management to be aware and take note. If possible, the verbal notification of their lack of "team-playerness" should be passed along second or third hand. Management should do everything possible to avoid one-on-one contact with these troublemakers, lest their ability to improve morale suffer by association. However, as it is critical that the information be passed along to these employees, one manager or HR representative may need to take on the burden personally if it is determined that the gossip mill is not churning efficiently.
Step 4: Corporate Reorganization
In an effort to maintain morale, these positional removals should be done with as much haste as possible. The morale of the ex-employee is no longer a concern, so managers should not hesitate to frisk, strip-search or otherwise demean the departing person. If at all possible, while the employee is being notified of their fate, a manager or HR representative should be boxing all personal effects and setting said boxes in the hallway. Thus, at the end of the termination conversation, the employee need only be escorted out the door without any time consuming stops in their former office. Swift kicks to the rear are advised only when circumstances warrant.
The lack of dignity afforded to exiting employees should be maximized at all costs. Word of this treatment will quickly spread to the remaining workers and their efficiency and morale will skyrocket as they realize the depths of management effectiveness.
Step 5: Communication
The key to morale is in communication. It is crucial that "offical" communication be limited as much as possible. Instead, management should foster the growth of an efficient gossip mill. In addition to saving time that would otherwise be wasted crafting official memos and other notices, the gossip mill encourages employees to interact with one another. This, in turn, helps them to become friends who might then enjoy spending time together, making coming to and staying at work a desired activity and reducing the need for any extracurricular activity or socialization. Additionally, the new interactions foster interdependence and employees will seek one another out during the day to see if there is any more information to be had. Management should, however, keep an eye out for any employees who threaten the efficient working of the gossip mill by refusing to participate. Scruples of this manner should be swiftly dealt with.
Step 6: Repetition
Repetition of these steps will result in a hyper-alert workforce. Employees will rely on one another not just for work-related tasks, but also for information and socialization, which represents the pinnacle of successful morale.
Conclusion:
The on-going study is implementing the steps described above and seeing incredible results. Morale is employee self-reported at an all-time high and teamwork and employe-to-employee communication is thriving. Further results will be published after the culmination of the study.
References:
Hitler, A. (1942).
Mussolini, B. (1925).
Scrooge, E. & Dickens, C. (1843). A Christmas Carol. Chapman and Hall: London, U.K.
Teach, E. (1713). A biography. Retrieved November 10, 2006, from http://www.ah.dcr.state.nc.us/sections/maritime/Blackbeard/default.htm
