Thursday Theological Thinking

I haven't posted theological thoughts of late I realize. And it's not because I haven't been having any - it's more that I've been having many - and I don't really have any conclusions or concrete thoughts to offer and so I've been holding off, hoping that maybe I would find a little insight or revelation to share.

I still don't have any insight or revelation to share, but I thought I'd share my quandry. I suspect that it's one of the many mysteries that we'll never full unravel - although I know many people who would disagree with that and feel that what I'm struggling with is very clear, very concrete, and very cut and dry. I envy them.

My ponderance is this: How do you know the will of God?

I'm not talking in overarching terms. Not bringing up the problem of evil or any of that. On the large scale, I'm very happy to rest in the knowledge of God's sovereignty. I'm talking about specific situations that arise in life. How do you know - really know - that you're in God's will?

I suppose the specific dilemma is in order to make it clear. I've mentioned briefly that Tim and I can't have children and the hole this creates in my heart. What I've never really talked about is our amazing ambivalence about adoption. We'll get all spun up and come very close to signing on the dotted line with an agency and then stop. We'll decide that we should persue independent adoption - and never get past that point - not out of procrastination, but out of paralysis and doubt. Because I keep coming up with the question: How do I know that our infertility isn't God's way of telling us that children aren't His plan for us?

The first reaction of many is to say "Oh no. God doesn't do that - He wants everyone to have children." and then the barrage of verses outlining how children are a gift from God and how we're commanded to have kids and so on and so forth are trotted out. And I don't doubt that - not for a minute. Children are a blessing. But so are a number of other things. God uses so many different things and people and circumstances to bless - and He never promises us that we'll get a particular blessing. Just that if we're walking in His will that we will be blessed. And in my mind, that blessing could be that we're free from having having to deal with the consequences of not walking in His will.

The other reaction I get is similar and is primarily a rebuke - telling me that even thinking that is me allowing the devil a stronghold in my life.

So then I'm back to my original question: How do you know God's will?

I pray about this constantly. I think I'm listening for an answer - I'm certainly doing all I know to do in order to be receptive to the Holy Spirit's leading. But there's nothing. So in the absence of clear direction and guidance, what do you do?

There seem to be two camps - and I'm not really comfortable in either. The first camp is that you do absolutely nothing until you do have that clear guidance. This is certainly the camp my parents-in-law fall into, in every aspect of their life. And they frustrate me greatly because they won't listen to guidance from other people - they expect it in clear terms to them. And I really think God uses other people to help reveal His will for you.

The other camp is to step out in a direction in faith and pray that God will either bless or block you. I suppose I'm more comfortable here than anywhere else, because I was definitely raised that God gave us brains and expects us to use them. And there's Biblical basis for stepping out in faith (obviously only if what you're stepping into isn't against Scripture in and of itself, that comes from the 'use your brain' bit, you don't do things God specifically says not to do.)

And yet I'm filled with uncertainity and growing ambivalence - because you see, we're stepping out in faith - again - toward adoption. This time we've even made it to the signing up for the mandatory first info. session at Bethany. And I'm terrified that I'm going to persue children, adopt, and find at the end of it all, that God didn't have them for me but that he allowed me to go my own way and that had I truly found His will I'd've known that. I don't have peace - and I don't know if that's because this really isn't God's will or because this is an area of my life where I'm so insecure that it's a very easy target for Satan.

That's the conundrum. I'd love your thoughts if you have any.

*Please note: I'd also appreciate it if you not ask about the adoption progress - I'll update occasionally I imagine, but it's not something that, at this point, I'm comfortable sharing with people I interact with face-to-face (unless we've already shared it with you). Thanks.