I am not okay

I mentioned in passing that my sister has cancer.

It has gone from bad news (because no cancer is ever anything but bad news), to worse news, and now to...what's worse than worse?

We still don't have all the answers we need (or that the doctor needs in order to actually make a treatment plan). She has yet another biopsy - this one on the lymph nodes in her neck - on Friday. This result will determine if it's stage 3c or stage 4.

Stage 4 has a 17% chance of survival. Not cure. Cure is off the table with 4. But survival.

Right now they're talking max radiation + chemo ASAP.

But of course ASAP needs Hopkins to finish their pathology on prior biopsies plus the new biopsy on Friday.

And the reality of the prognosis is bleak.

We may not have the information, blah blah blah...my sister and I agree that we pretty much know. It's a formality.

First mom. Now my sister.

The toll of both of these -- particularly with sister's diagnosis coming so close on the heels of mom's anniversary -- is wearing on my dad. After my sister dies, I don't honestly see him lasting a lot longer. I think there comes a point when one can only handle so much grief. And the tolerance goes down as you age.

There is nothing I can do. And there is little that is worse than the helplessness of knowing that.

And I am not okay.