On Being "Feminine"

So this one really gets under my hat. I was doing my typical quick surf of various and sundry blogs, when I come across Matt’s entry today. He usually has interesting things to say and so I read on. It’s the secondary bit – on Female Chauvinist Pigs, a new book out and the subsequent review in WSJ that has wriggled into my brain and won’t get dislodged. I thought about just commenting to him, but then decided that I had way too much to say to just leave a comment, and thus my blog for the day.

It starts mostly with Matt’s question at the end: “What’s going on here? Theoretically, shouldn’t girls want to be feminine – however we wind up defining it – as much as guys want to be masculine?”

You know, in a perfect world, maybe. But this is so definitely not a perfect world. And I think this kind of conundrum is something a guy is never going to be able to understand because it’s just hugely different from anything they have to deal with. (I am not meaning to underestimate or negate in any way the legion of issues guys have to deal with, this just doesn’t happen to be one of them…maybe I’ll express my opinion on the unfairness of the world to men in another post.)

I think the problem lies somewhere in that definition. We can’t just go the Merriam-Webster and look up “feminine” anymore and find a definition that is rapidly accepted by the public at large. Because if you look it up, “feminine” simply means “female” (1st definition – which is further defined as the sex that bears young or produces eggs) or, the 2nd definition “having some quality associated with the female sex.” I’m sure it’s the second one that mentally we all go for – but then the issue is still so open for interpretation because, really, what qualities do you associate with the female sex? And this is where we get into trouble. Many people would immediately (as did Merriam-Webster, much to my surprise) jump to things like gentleness, nurturing, etc. Others might jump to adjectives that go along with physical attributes (you know, you can’t be feminine if you’re more than 10 pounds over an ideal weight or you don’t have whatever dimensions, and so forth.)

To me, this is the crux of the issue. Because I’ve never known anyone who, if asked for qualities associated with the female sex would come out with: smart, daring, capable, competent, or other adjectives of that ilk. And realistically, I can’t even say that, asked the question, I necessarily would either. Because to me, those are adjectives that can describe any person, regardless of gender. And I think the heart of the “feminist” issue originally was to try and get people to start associating these types of adjectives with the idea of feminine. Not necessarily to the exclusion of “sympathetic” and “gentle” but to the same measure. With that kind of equality of adjective, things like glass ceilings, equal pay, etc. would naturally go the way of the dinosaur – because if anyone, regardless of gender, is competent, then anyone, regardless of gender, deserves to be treated as such.

Somewhere along the road though, I think we lost our way. Because if after nearly 40 (or more) years of rallying for feminist rights, people still define women either by their physical attributes or by the more stereotypical emotional attributes, has anything really changed? Studies still show that girls are taught that it’s not feminine to be smarter than the boys and so they shy away from the “more difficult” (read: more traditionally male dominated) subjects like math and science and computers because they don’t want the stigma that goes along with it. Big name school presidents go public with their bias that boys are smarter than girls, and people buy it. Studies still show that women who wear skirts at work (and I mean like a skirted business suit) and who take the time to wear makeup will be considered more capable, more on top of things, and more promoteable (and will generally have a higher salary) than those who wear pantsuits (let alone khakis and a blouse), even though men who dress business casual in khakis and a polo are not considered less professional or paid less. And that last one is a study that included female managers – so it’s not just men saying it, it’s other women.

So at the end of the day, we have girls growing up into women who don’t want to be feminine, because from all we can gather, being feminine means you’re either defined by your ability to have children or by being gentle, sympathetic, caring….SOFT. And those aren’t all negative, but when it’s all that people mention, really, who wants to be that? It sounds like you’re just a big milquetoast – and that’s not what it means to be feminine. No one is saying, “You know what, girls? You can be a CEO of a major corporation and still be sympathetic and caring. You can lead the pack of the big dogs and still be a lady.” The saddest thing to me about this is that I think we’d have gained more ground in the last 40 years going after equality if we’d done it with dignity. Instead of rallying around fish on bicycles and screaming that we’re not only equal, we’re better, I can’t help but think that if we’d simply been better and proven it day in, day out, we’d have gotten there just the same. And maybe we’d have gotten there without the baggage that we have now that somehow tries to tell girls that “Yes, you’re equal and can be/do anything – but you get there by embracing yourself as a sex object, since that’s all men are going to do anyway. You might as well beat them to the punch, because then you don’t have to feel badly about it – and you can scream and yell along with us that it was actually your idea, and dressing like a pin-up makes you liberated.” And it makes a dent, at least for a while, because they’re certainly noticed. And should they ever decide they want to try and be feminine they wouldn’t be noticed at all. And if you’re not noticed, then you’re certainly not equal. Right?

I don’t have a solution. I’m at a job where I’m paid less than less qualified men, so we really haven’t even overcome the basics we were looking to overcome in the first place. But I don’t think starting a hate campaign against men or farting and scratching with the boys or…whatever, is going to change any of it. Because at the end of the day, I describe myself as competent, intelligent, capable, and feminine all at the same time without considering any of it mutually exclusive. I guess for that perspective I can only point to my parents and say they did a pretty good job helping me wade through the mires of growing up to find some sort of balance that is not common in the world at large.