An Update - Though There's Little To Say

It's been, oh, about a milli-second since I last thought about our "impending" adoption, but since I think it's been every so slightly longer than that since I last posted about it and I'm at a loss for anything else to post about tonight (no badge yet at work, read manuals all day, am procrastinating on a fascinating - oh believe me fascinating - review of literature that I should be writing), I figured I'd let you all know where we are. Which is the same place that we were in February. And March. That is, we're waiting.

We have had the thrill of getting our homestudy officially finalized. And paying yet another installment in the "Didn't you know you were selling half your organs to support this idea that you should have children" plan. (Though I will say when you consider that the amount was roughly the same as one cycle's worth of drugs that didn't do anything other than make me bloated and sore for 30 days, it's not so bad. Cause at least I wasn't bloated and sore.) It is, happily, our last installment until the balloon payment that comes at the end. (I'm guessing they hope that the "I'm finally a parent" euphoria clouds over the pain that last check will make. And, as a random thought, I wish they'd let you use a credit card. Cause then at least while I was waiting and spending all this money I could be earning frequent flier miles. Or something.)

Finally, our 3 pictures and letter have been sent off to be put on the agency website. I have severely mixed feelings about this portion of the plan. It feels strangely desperate and borderline pathetic and in the back of my mind all I see is the cartoon my freshman year roommate gave me that had a UFO with standard aliens peering out the window and a guy jumping up and down on the ground saying "Pick me! Pick me!" and the aliens are hollering back, "No! You're ugly!" But I realize that it's another good way to network or advertise or whatever you want to call it and so I have followed through after a month of dragging my feet on the whole thing.

And in the midst of all of this I'm struggling to keep some sort of happy thoughts in my head that somewhere out there is someone who will think that we deserve a chance to be parents. When in reality the little faith I had got sucked out during the whole application and homestudy process and I'm just running on fumes with the knowledge that at this point it's a body in motion and the laws of inertia can do their thing. Though given my propensity to proving the exception to rules, I don't even have a lot of faith in that. In the deepest, most secret parts of my heart, I fear that there will always be some reason we're not chosen and that, even after bubbling up to the top where we would get the next cold call, that there will be some reason we're rejected when we should be a shoo-in. And I find myself questioning, over and over again, if maybe all my prayers for children have been answered and I'm just too pigheaded to realize that I'm not being told wait but no.