Unrealistic Expectations

I suspect, and honestly have suspected for a while, that if I was growing up today I would probably have some kind of label stuck on me. Asperger's, maybe. Although I guess they don't use that today because reasons. Maybe not.

Whatever it is, I am finally at the point where I recognize that my ability to make and maintain relationships suffers drastically from unrealistic expectations.

I expect that people I call "friend" will treat me the same way I treat them.

And, inevitably, they do not.

I realize that in life there are shades--a spectrum, I guess--of friendship. But it's hard for me to quantify that with my own relationships. To me, it's much more black and white. On or off. Friend. Or Not Friend.

Which, inevitably, means that I miss the signal that what was once a "close friendship" has run its course and is now moving to "acquaintance-ship" or even "really trying to cut ties with you, get the hint lady."

And so, also inevitably, when it finally sinks in I am hurt. And frustrated. And seriously questioning the point of even trying. Because really, if no one did something to the other to cause a problem, why? (Then again, this being me, it's possible I did something and no one has bothered to say anything to me because ...I don't know. I'm not worth the effort?)

I'm just so tired of it.

And now, with the added weight of parenting, I can't even go on a "people aren't worth it" kick, because as Mom, I'm supposed to be encouraging friendships. Suggesting that it's good to get out there and meet people and get to know them. And it's hard because...I'm basically lying to them. What I want to say is "Learn how to be alone! Be content with one, maybe two people in your life who matter. Because more than that just leads to heartache."

But I think that's called trauma dumping. Or something. So I smile. And I lie. And I hope that maybe for them it'll be different.

But they're weird, too. Which means more than likely? It won't be.